Socialist networking

I just got back from infiltrating a Socialist meeting. Their meeting hall was almost full, and I have it on good authority that there are weekly meetings all over the country, even in the smallest villages and towns. I was surprised at how lax their security was. No one asked me for ID or even seemed concerned that I might report on my experience. They are so confident about taking over that they don’t even fear exposure. Obviously the Socialist leader is too busy to come to the meetings in person, so one of his highly trained deputies always runs the meetings and always brings a message from him. Each week, the subtle, radical anti-Capitalist message is disseminated to the “faithful.” This week was typical. The deputy spent a half hour talking about “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” This is apparently one of the guiding principals of Socialism, and while there are many different versions of Socialism around the country and the planet, almost all the different groups hold this as a core Socialist value. Scary.

I expected poor people to fall for the Socialist message, but there seemed to be a surprising number of well-off – even wealthy – people at the meetings. Each weekly meeting is usually based on one of the leader’s basic principles. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is a popular topic, I learned. And he usually has something to say on the issues of the day. Once the message was about prayer in school. He said, “When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”

The purpose of the weekly meetings is to figure out ways to further the Socialist plot of feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and visiting the sick, because the leader said, “Whenever you do this for the least of my brothers, you do it for me.” Instead of telling people to lift themselves up by their bootstraps, he thinks people should help each other. Sheesh! Try to run a bank, an automobile company or an oil company that way. Everything would be a mess. They wouldn’t run like the well-oiled machines they are today.

Lucky for us, many of the people who go to the meetings and sit in the front row are just pretending to be Socialists. Many of those people are on TV, saying the exact opposite of what the leader says, even as they invoke the leader’s name. They keep saying that this is a Socialist country, founded by Socialists, even if the leader would disagree with almost every word out of their mouths. In fact, He almost always says the opposite of what the pundits say. He doesn’t mind paying taxes –”Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s” and he tells a great story about free health care called “The Good Samaritan.” While there are whole channels on TV about making money, and entire newspapers and magazines devoted to it, the head of the Socialists has said it is easier for “a camel to go through the eye of a needle” than it is for a rich person to find true happiness. As for immigration, the Supreme Socialist leader himself would not be welcomed in this country by the pundits because he does not speak English and has no papers. It bothers many Socialists, but their leader said not to worry about it. “Judge not lest ye be judged,” he said. It is one of his favorite sayings.

The real question is: Why do so many people fall for the Socialist philosophy? Can’t they see that loving thy neighbor is what’s wrong with this country? What would happen if we all went around doing good works all day long? Pretty soon, you wouldn’t recognize the place.

Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at

Copyright 2010, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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