Adding fuel to the sloth fire

Americans have patiently awaited the day when they wouldn’t need to muster up endorphins to sit on the couch. Answering the call, Pepsi recently created a high caffeine soda called “Mountain Dew Game Fuel.” It’s part of a package deal promoting the release of a new video game for X-Box – the soda is supposed to make you play it better.

How did we ever manage to find the strength to lounge in front of TV screens and give ourselves thumb blisters without ever having the benefit of “Game Fuel?”

It’s astounding we found the energy to do a lot of the leisurely things we do without an extra punch.

For instance, why hasn’t a beer company made “hammock fuel” yet? “Want to take a break from mowing the grass and sip a few suds in the shade? Go drink one of those sissy beers. Do you want take a break from kicking your lawn’s ass and pass-out in the sun? Drink ‘Horizontal-X,’ it’ll tangle you up all afternoon.”

While we’re at it, why not have a “comfort-eating fuel,” too?

“Everyone gets full. But who says you have to be like everyone else? Why not guzzle down some ‘Black Hole’ and eat until you say your through. Don’t let your stomach hold you back – enter the world of competitive eating from the comfort of your own TV tray. Or go for that 96-ounce steak challenge. Get asked to leave the KFC buffet. Do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, and tell you mind and body to shut up and leave you alone.”

Why isn’t there picnic fuel? Swimming fuel? Going-for-a-ride fuel? Movie fuel? Talking fuel? Cuddling fuel? Solitaire fuel? Sleeping fuel? Breathing fuel? There could be an energy fuel for everything. Especially when you consider all the different ways you could present them – energy water, energy coffee, energy tea, energy booze and energy soda. No one’s done it yet, but there could even be an energy milk.

“Has 2 percent left you feeling a bit, well, normal lately? Do you miss that loud buzzing noise only you can hear? Well, it’s time to pry open those eyelids with an all-new dairy energy drink, ‘Lact-overdrive.’ In Lact-overdrive, healthy nutrients found in regular milk are replaced with synthetic high octane boosters at levels similar to that of dry gas, giving you a real jump-start in the morning. Lact-overdrive also does a body good, sending corrosive agents and milk’s natural enzymes racing through your organs leaving behind the equivalent of a napalm trail – erasing unwanted fat and other stuff that may or may not be important. Either way you’ll have energy, drop pounds and look hot, for at least a few minutes.”

Whatever it is, whatever it does, just put it in a slim can with a shiny label and you’ll hit a homerun. Just don’t take any homerun fuel; apparently that’s not cool.

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