Meaningless quizzes are always fun and good for killing time. I made this one up the other day. And since I made it, I decided what the correct answers should – regardless of what society and proven science says. So your challenge: You have to guess what I say the right answers are. I recommend doing some mental exercises to dumb yourself way down first maybe beat your head against a wall or drink some aftershave. Match your answers up with mine at the bottom.
1. What are “think tanks?”
A. Special army vehicles developed during the Cold War that can simultaneously beat Russians at chess, smash enemy strongholds and calculate what percentage of the bill you should tip a waitress.
B. Large canisters of Nitrous oxide (a.k.a. “laughing gas”) that when inhaled make old, smelly, worthless hippies think they are young, vibrant and not washed-up embarrassments for 15 to 20 seconds.
C. Clear enclosures filled with water that allow lonely people to look at fish and other creatures with delight and fascination as they think to themselves, “If these goldfish are my only friends, does that make me a loser?”
D. An institute, corporation, or group organized for interdisciplinary research, usually conducted for governmental and commercial clients.
2. What are “French benefits?”
A. Magical changes made to bland food items that turns them into really awesome-tasting snacks, such as French toast, French fries and French onion soup.
B. When your otherwise mediocre rock band makes it big solely because you added a drunk accordion player to the line-up who smells like a Whopper and sounds like a dream.
C. Upgrades you can make to your cleaning staff that require them to constantly dust off low-rise coffee tables and wear unrealistically short, sexy work uniforms.
D. A phrase people confuse with “fringe benefits,” which refers to non-wage compensations, or perks, such as employer-provided housing, vehicles, retirement packages and health insurance.
3. What is the capital of Vermont?
B. A huge Cheddar Cheese wheel
D. Both A and B
4. What is an “electrolyte?”
A. Refers to any member of this oft-changing group of singers who backed-up some of Motown’s top acts in the 1950s and 60s.
B. A popular roller skating rink-turned meth lab in Omaha known for inventing “The Chicken Dance” and incorporating the mandatory half-hour reverse-skate into industry standards.
C. Ingredient in infant anti-diarrhea solutions and sports drinks that’s meant to cure adult hang-overs and make you better at basketball.
D. Ionic solution that regulates body hydration and pH levels in the blood that is also critical to nerve and muscle functions.
5. What is the moral of both “The Karate Kid” and “The Karate Kid II”
A. Poor acting and poor soundtracks cancel each other out to make legendary movies.
B. Whether it’s in Los Angeles or Okinawa, people from New Jersey have a real knack for blending-in with other societies.
C. It is what’s inside our hearts that defines who we really are.
D. If you wax things daily and trim a bonsai tree with great care like Mr. Myagi, you will be able to kick people’s asses well into your 70s.
Answer grid: (1.A, 2.B, 3.D, 4.C, 5.B)