Headlines these days are a riot

Writing jokes for late-night comics looks easy these days.

First, the administration is serving up a joke a minute. Then, the headlines alone offer a trove of material. Here, a sampling from only one day last week.

PRINCIPAL OF K-8 SCHOOL IN PORTLAND CAUTIONS TEACHERS: Mentioning peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in class is racist. This because some Somali and Hispanic kids don’t eat sandwiches. Or they eat pita. Whatever. First they come after our sandwiches. Next they come for the applesauce.

UC BERKELEY STUDENT GOVT BANS TERM “ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT”. Yes, there are immigrants. Yes they are in the country illegally. But… You know, this will look impressive on the students’ resumes. When they apply to work in the State Department. Where nobody is allowed to call a terrorist a terrorist.

ALEC BALDWIN ON SHORT LIST FOR HONORARY DEGREE AT GWU. “We hereby bestow the Degree of Obscenely Foul-Mouthed Homophobic Diatribery upon…”

ATHEISTS LAUNCH “SECULAR SAFE ZONES” ON CAMPUSES NATIONWIDE. No praying for mercy on the chemistry final in these locales.


BILL AND MELINDA GATES SEEK “ENHANCED SENSATION” CONDOM. Right. I never went beyond that headline. Because it just was not a priority to find out for whom they wanted it. Or how they would go about…? Would they name it Microhard? Never mind.

GIANT BOEING 747 LANDS AT WRONG AIRPORT. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent into…uhh…we think it’s Kansas City. But, then again, it might be… If any of you recognize that big tower off to the left, maybe you could tell your flight attendant?”

MOM FINED BY DAYCARE FOR PACKING UNHEALTHY LUNCH. Probably one of those racist applesauce sandwiches.

MCDONALDS TURNS TO OPERA TO DRIVE OUT LOITERING TEENS. These are kids that hang around the parking lot late at night. Believe it or not, the restaurant is upping the ante. The local city council had used Barry Manilow recordings for the same purpose. What’s next? Barry Manilow singing opera?

RESTAURANT OFFERS 50 PERCENT DISCOUNT TO TURN OFF CELL PHONE. Well, this is better than the rest of us taking up a collection to get her to turn the damned thing off.

UNEMPLOYED BOSTON MAN OVERPAID BY STATE CAN’T FIND ANYONE TO TAKE MONEY BACK. “Uhh, sir, maybe if you would step into my office in this alleyway…? I would suggest we go into McDonalds but I can’t stand Tosca.”

PRESIDENT OBAMA BLAMES IKE, NIXON’S DOG AND THOMAS JEFFERSON FOR HEALTHCARE MESS. You know I made that up. But stay tuned. These names are moving up on his “Blame Them List.”

LAST WEEK IN 4 DAYS 1700 PAGES OF NEW REGULATIONS ADDED TO FEDERAL REGISTER. Repeat: 1700 pages! Some of those regs banned Manilow-boarding on terrorists. I mean on “undocumented violent activists”.

And… two stories. The Dept. of Homeland Security employee who was placed on administrative leave? Yes, the one who had the website where he called for the mass murder of white people? He still collects a paycheck. At the rate of $116,000 per year. He has been collecting it for four months now.

In Amsterdam a refreshing treatment program for alcoholics. Two cans of beer in the morning. Hot lunch. Two more beers in the afternoon. Clients are sent home with another beer. And $13. And a stash of tobacco. Organizers boast that it keeps them out of the parks and they drink less. Hey, it’s okay with me. As long as they don’t punish them with racist peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They could save a lot of bucks by just playing Barry in Barber of Seville in the park. Of course, that might kill the trees.

Finally: ANTI DEPRESSANT USE SOARS IN DEVELOPED NATIONS. Uhh, these are the nations where people read these headlines. Just call us Prozac Nations.

From Tom...as in Morgan.

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