After Special Agent Clayton Yonder shot (blanks) from his .4-0-caliber Glock pistol to scare off rioters outside Park Department headquarters, Jules Landau, his supervisor, took him aside to reproach him for such a “politically insensitive” display of violence. But Landau was winking during the entire reprimand. And on his way out of Clay’s office, he said gleefully, “You’re going to have to help Marcus rewrite his Crowd Control Handbook!”

Marcus Landau was Jules’s brother and head of their Protests and Special Events Division.

Chortle. Chortle.

The important consequences of Clay’s unorthodox response to violent “animal rights” protestors were threefold. (1) They were gone. (2) They had been dispersed before the arrival of television cameras and journalists, and (3) the minimal damage done by spray paint and Molotov cocktails to the building and parking lot – primarily soot discoloring the brick and asphalt – had been cleaned up, picked up, painted over, and repaired before the end of the day.

Which left time for Clay and members of his Avian Slaughter Task Force to concentrate on what came next. And that was research.

There was an enemy to defeat: The Terror Bird. And that enemy had to be fought on two fronts. First was military. To succeed, Clay once again quoted Sir Winston Churchill – this time his 1940 speech to the British people – would require, “Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat.”

Since the Terror Bird was an apex predator and already had annihilated all the birds, mammals, and reptiles in a 980-acre nature preserve … victory would be hard-fought and casualties would be unavoidable. Just as they had been when England fought the Nazis in World War II.

The second front would be public opinion and the media.

Hoping to learn from Florida’s mistakes, Clay and his task force thoroughly researched how that state had dealt with their problem in the Everglades.

From facts and statistics quoted earlier, you already know that between 1970 and 1995, and unbeknownst to wildlife managers, Very Stupid People imported about 17,000 Burmese Pythons as pets. Most of these fools – after seeing them grow from the size of squirmy licorice sticks to 20-foot, 200-pound monsters – solved their pet problem by dumping them into the Everglades.

Following Mother Nature’s mandate to “reproduce and multiply,” Burmese pythons did exactly that. Their estimated population today hovers somewhere between 100,000 and 300,000. And each female of the species can lay anywhere from 20 to over 100 eggs.

Despite continual, vigorous, and well-funded programs by Florida’s Fish and Wildlife Commission, medium-sized mammals (marsh rabbits, foxes, opossums, bobcats, etc.) … not to mention birds and other reptiles … have all but disappeared.

Preliminary efforts to remove these deadly invaders began in the year 2000. But it wasn’t until 2013 that state officials got serious, and initiated the annual Florida Python Challenge, offering cash rewards to those who had the most kills.

Such incentives have been ongoing ever since, with huge government and civilian support (except for “animal rights” groups), but with little success. Since the beginning of this century, about 23,000 pythons have been removed. Which sounds like a lot. However, given their birthrate and insatiable appetites, these successes are about as significant as a teardrop in a teacup.

Okay. Moving along … what do Everglades failures have to do with our own eagerly anticipated campaign against Terror Birds?

This is how the Avian Task Force perceives the differences.

• Whereas the Terror Bird appears to have been on the scene for less than six weeks, Florida did not recognize Burmese Pythons as a danger to the Everglades until about 30 years after those miserable creatures first arrived.

• By that time, they already had dined sumptuously on and eliminated about 90% of all fur, feather, and reptile creatures native to that 1.5-million-acre swamp.

• From the get-go, Fish and Wildlife officials have been playing catch-up with regard to eliminating Burmese pythons, resulting in a “the forwarder I go the behinder I get” situation.

Now. On to the similarities:

• The reason why pythons are so difficult to locate (trap and kill) is that they are almost impossible to SEE. As they serpentine their way through wetlands, their markings enable them – literally – to disappear. Same for Terror Birds. The reflective coating on their feathers mimics the coloration of the bark, leaves, and shrubbery where they lurk, effectively camouflaging the raptors, and making it all but impossible for the Good Guys to hunt them down.

• Even my hero, Special Investigator Clayton Yonder (with his .40-caliber Glock pistol) cannot shoot what he cannot see. If he had been in the Everglades and aiming downward at what he thought might be a Burmese python, but missed, the only “collateral damage” would be to marsh grass or waterlilies.

• But if he or a member of his task force was targeting a Terror Bird at, let’s say Gossamer Gardens or outside an MRI clinic, he would be aiming his weapon upward. Toward the sky. And if THAT bullet missed a 30-pound airborne assassin with a four-foot wingspan, it wouldn’t just dissipate like fog in the sun. It would continue its trajectory until it hit a tree. A barn door. A Girl Scout. Or, in falling back to earth, slammed into a gas pump, a labradoodle, or the bald head of the mailman delivering a check from your Income Tax return.

All of which severely limit the tactics that Clay and his Avian Slaughter Task Force could deploy to obliterate the enemy.

Shooting at a Terror Bird in the sky?

Out. Too dangerous if the bullets miss.

Chemical weapons or flames to destroy the habitat in which Terror Birds are located?

Out. Innocent songbirds and small mammals would get killed, too.

Explosives?

Out. Same reason as above.

Nonetheless, using unorthodox combat methodologies, as well as “troops” not ordinarily engaged by the National Park Service, Special Investigator Clayton Boyfriend made a promise (not to those who attended his press conference, but to our bird and bug buddies in my living room) to … and I quote, “eradicate every last vestige of this laboratory-fabricated, illegally inserted, illicitly implanted Terror Bird – from its raptor beak, to its formidable feathers, to the most minuscule iota of its DNA … off the face of the earth.”

Copyright © Shelly Reuben, 2026. Shelly Reuben’s books have been nominated for Edgar, Prometheus, and Falcon awards. For more about her writing, visit www.shellyreuben.com.