Watch what you put in your microwave. The folks down at the CIA may be watching.
Wikileaks just revealed the spooks have deployed over 1000 electronic spy tools. To check your bra size. And my choice in shaving cream.
Over 1000 snoop tools! Just at the CIA. They can know what you read. What you watch on tv. What you argue about. By way of bugs in your computer and device screens. Your television. Bugs in your microwave. In your washing machine. In your car.
And some of these do more than eavesdrop. They can mess with you. So now you have someone to blame for the little annoyances in your daily life. Such as, the coffee tastes lousy. Humidifier breaks down. Neighbor is blown up in his car.
Wiki tells us the Brits can check your viewing habits. Its spymasters cut a deal with South Korea’s Samsung. To install surveillance chips in Samsung’s tv sets.
And you were worried about Big Brother? Welcome to family hour. We’ve got Big Sis, Big Cuz, Big Mama, Big Papa. And no doubt Big Waitress, Big Walmart Checkout Woman.
As the radio character Chickenman used to squawk: They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!
I worry about the collaboration. Not just that our allies and enemies swap all this vital information with each other. I worry about all the household appliances gossiping at their electronic coffee klatch. And conspiring.
“Hey, he whacked the air conditioner last night. How ‘bout we take down this dude. Coffee maker goes on strike. Garbage disposal backs up. Toilet plugs. Pacemaker kicks into turbo mode. Microwave breaks down. Tires blow out on his way to work. We’ll teach him to mess with us.”
You think this is a joke? Artificial intelligence is on the way. Robots are invading us. When AI seizes the CIA’s espionage tools the game is up.
Imagine the apps that will sprout from these developments. Go to Bomber to destroy the neighbor kid’s boombox. Click on Avenger and watch your neighbor’s too-loud lawn mower melt. See that driver who is texting at 70 mph? Now you don’t.
Remember all your crazy conspiracy theories? That the Ruskies knew your next move before you did? That the Chinese wormed into your psyche to persuade you to buy their products? Hey! They are true, true! The propaganda microchip was in your Cheerios.
So you no longer need worry about the conspiracies. They have all come about. You were right. So stop tossing and turning at night. We got you covered. The “We” being every spy agency known to humanity. And the many we don’t know about.
Here is a sobering thought. A few years ago we learned that Israeli and American spooks had deposited electronic grit in Iran’s nuclear software. We learned they had turned Iranian computers into listening and viewing devices. They could watch to check if the Iranians were prostate and praying in the proper direction. Good blackmail opportunities, there.
The sobering bit was this. When we learned about it a few years ago it was obsolete. It had been screwing up the Iranians for over a decade. It seemed futuristic to us. But it was Model-T to the spooks.
It is revelations like these that give me comfort. I figure if the Iranians ever try to harm Israel they will fry. Israel will flip every Iranian screen to porn. And then blitz the country back to Muhammad’s salad days.
The same goes for the dimwits in North Korea. Every time we see a photo of idiot Kim Jong-un we see military imbeciles in over-sized hats. They stand behind him with little notebooks and pencils at the ready. To record Kim’s every word of wisdom. Such as “Snuff out my brother.” “Machine-gun Uncle Goon-Goon.”
I’ve got news for these demented stenographers. Their pencils are miniature cameras. Sending video to the BBC. To be screened in our multi-gender toilets. Along with shots of Mrs. Merkel downing her daily strudel. And thanks to the invasion of our Maytags, it will all come out in the wash.
Meanwhile, Bush the Younger can take a breather. Because this is all Trump’s fault. Gotta be.
From Tom…as in Morgan.