Eat What You Want
Published: October 25th, 2016
By: Tom Morgan

Life grows more confusing every time you stroll around the block.

You remember when dairy products were toxic. It was only a few years ago. All right, toxic is an exaggeration.

But you remember the warnings. Dairy products are full of cholesterol! Baaaad cholesterol. Lay off the cheese. Steer clear of butter. A tub of Ben & Jerry’s will fell you quicker than…quicker than a burger.

A burger a day, oy vey, oy vey! That is Yiddish for “Don’t touch that stoopid burger, stoopid! It is radioactive with cholesterol.”

Some dietary experts wanted cigarette-type warnings on packages of red meat. WARNING. THIS FLANK STEAK MAY CLOG YOUR ARTERIES AND FELL YOU BEFORE YOU REACH THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE. (If you are lucky enough to get that far, check out today’s special on frozen party nibbles. Your partner could serve them at your wake.)

Maybe you didn’t take these warnings seriously. I did. For years I refused to shake hands with dairy farmers. I avoided driving past farms. I would have lobbed eggs at our local McDonalds. But I didn’t dare touch the eggs. Because they were toxic too. You surely remember the big egg scare. Our government warned us against eating any part of the eggs except the shells. Now you know why my kids hate me.

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Steak and eggs for breakfast? You’d be better off with arsenic tea. Eat cereal for breakfast, the food experts told us. Toast and Wheaties. Some fried potatoes maybe. Avoid the coffee. And never, never, never skip breakfast. Everybody who skips breakfast sooner or later dies.

I took all these warnings seriously. They came from experts. They came from government experts. Those birds are more expert than your regular experts. And you don’t want to go against Big Brother experts. You might get audited by the IRS. The NSA may report you for phoning Wendy’s to learn what is on their breakfast menu.

I was taught by the nuns to respect edicts. Especially those from God. And double especially those from Sister DiPazzi. (I know one reader who dreaded the edicts from Sister Mary Pat.) I don’t know if God has a left-hook, but she did. She made life simple: You ate meat on Friday and you went to hell. Smack! So to this day when an expert tells me don’t, I don’t.

Okay, Morgan. Enough of this. What is your point?

A big fancy study has just been published. A study of what people ate in 42 European countries. It contained two huge surprises. The first is that there are 42 European countries. Who knew? The second is…I hope you are chowing down on steak and eggs this morning. Yes. There is no link between Big Macs for breakfast and heart disease. No links between dairy products and heart disease.

Wait! If you eat high-fat products such as cheese you may even be protecting your ticker from disease. Cheese is virtuous now. All hail to St. Camembert. This is how some doctors are interpreting the study. And they tell us to wash down the fat with several cups of coffee! The old toxic coffee. And…wait for it…now they don’t care if you skip breakfast.

Now, every exciting story has to have a villain or two. What culprits are lurking in your kitchen these days? Cereals! Wheat! As in toast and muffins and crumpets. Potatoes! Rice!

Pretty soon Big Brother will tell us to stir rice into our home fries. Then dump them on our Wheaties. And fling the lot out the window. And don’t toss the salt. It’s not as bad as it once was. I figure in another few years it will also be canonized.

Eat what you want. Me? I am stocking my larder with hamburger. And butter and eggs. Whole milk and super-fat cheeses. I am onto them while they are on the approved list. You never know when things may change.

Sign me up for two or three cheese burgers on Fridays. Pssst: Don’t tell Sister DiPazzi. She might be operating on the old rules.

From Tom…as in Morgan.