President Trump: A retrospective

Donald Trump was born in a 300-room log cabin in Trumptown (formerly known as Queens), New York in 1946 and elected president of the U.S. in 2016. From his humble beginnings as the son of an extremely wealthy real estate developer, he lifted himself up by his bootstraps to become an extremely wealthy real estate developer. His struggle to remain rich taught him many life lessons that came in handy on his way to the highest office in the land.

His winning campaign slogan expressed his entire philosophy in eight simple but electrifying words: "If you don't vote for me, you're stupid."

In his inaugural address, he promised that no matter what happened, he would remain classy, and then he proved it by cutting the speech short so the reigning Miss USA could do her baton-twirling routine. Few Americans that saw it will ever forget where they were that day.

Trump was the first president to refuse to live in the White House, which he referred to as "that dump," because it was not classy enough. Instead, he built his own presidential residence in Atlantic City, now known to one and all as the Trump House, which has been used by U.S. presidents ever since. Trump bought the now-empty White House in 2018 and turned it into a casino. It is also a popular wedding venue, especially famous for its classy, drive-thru, top-of-the-line Elvis wedding chapel.

Trump's first term was marred by the fact that he didn't put his money into a blind trust, as previous presidents had done. His TV show "Celebrity Cabinet Member" also raised eyebrows, many thinking that getting a Cabinet seat as a prize for winning a game show was a bad idea. But, in retrospect, it seemed to work just as well as the old way.

Saying that government had to be run like a business, Trump eliminated all government programs that did not turn a profit. The military was forced to hire out its services to other countries to pay the bills. The United States Army, Inc. is now fighting in 64 countries around the world and turns an annual profit of $40 billion. President Trump called it his "No. 1 job-creation program." Selling the money-losing National Park Service was a "no brainer," he said, and he even bought one of the parks himself. Trump Acres (Formerly Yellowstone) "will be the classiest development in the world," he bragged. "Instead of being a tax burden, it will be a tax benefit."

Though busy through most of his first and second terms designing the self-financed Trump Monument -- still the world's largest statue, at twice the size of Lady Trump (formerly known as the Statue of Liberty) -- and running his various casinos and real estate holdings, President Trump still managed to pass a bill to eliminate taxes on current and former presidents who were also real estate developers.

"This way, more people like myself will be able to run for president. After all, why should I take a pay cut to help make the country a better place for me?"

Taking a page from sport venues, Trump sold the naming rights to airports and train stations across the country to advertisers.

Pepsi One (formerly Air Force One) now flies the president for free on his many business/government trips, and the presidential limousine now has more advertising painted on it than a stock car.

Despite the long hours and the hard work of being classy, he kept his sense of humor. His appointment of Diana Ross to the Supreme Court was a typical jocular moment in his presidency.

"Get it?" he said to a senator from the state of Procter & Gamble (formerly Ohio). "A Supreme on the Supreme Court! I think you can expect to see some classy new robes soon."

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© 2018 Snyder Communications/The Evening Sun
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