2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack

Skeptics ask “Can you really see the future?” and I say, didn’t I predict that some major movie stars would be involved in scandals last year? Sure enough, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen were all People-magazined to death last year, so I guess you can chalk that one up in the “win” column for me. I also predicted there would be tornados and unusual weather this past year, and sure enough, that’s just what we got. Can I put the “kick” in psychic or what? I don’t want to claim that I have some supernatural power, but I make Nostradamus look like a sideshow fortuneteller. He pretended to know the future, but he really hid behind a bunch of gobbledy-gook that could be interpreted a thousand different ways. He would have made a great stockbroker.

Did Nostradamus predict there’d be trouble in the Middle East last year the way I did? No, he wrote some stupid poems that could mean practically anything. It’s like saying that every time there’s a white Christmas that Irving Berlin predicted it. If you live in Florida, it’s a lousy prediction.

Predicting the future has its limits. While I can see other peoples’ futures, I am blind to my own. I was totally surprised when Sue said she was taking the kids and leaving. Partly because I didn’t know we had any kids and partly because I thought she had already left, but you get my drift.

The best part of the predicting business is that no one bothers to go back to see what you predicted last year. Thank goodness. I really missed that whole oil well thing in the Gulf of Mexico and I had no idea Bristol Palin would be on “Dancing with the Stars,” and they were two of the biggest news events of 2010. But this year, I think I’ve got all my bases covered. Here’s what will happen in 2011:

Americans will start buying electric cars. Soon after, the price of electricity will rise to the equivalent $4.50 a gallon.

After 30 years of adding soccer to most school athletic programs, professional soccer will become America’s 45th most popular spectator sport, beating out curling and Frisbee golf.

A major hurricane will rock the East Coast or the Gulf Coast. Flying debris while reporting on the storm will seriously injure a TV reporter. (That thing about the reporter is more of a wish than a prediction.)

Hundreds of millions of tons of some kind of food will be recalled -- about three weeks after most of us ate it. The offending company will then change its name to “Cat Foods of Distinction” and make more money than ever.

A 30-year-long scientific study will reveal that some expensive vitamin supplement you have been taking for years to improve your memory, stop hot flashes and get rid of earwax is made of paper glue and does nothing.

Speaking of getting rid of earwax, there’ll be an app for that.

This summer will be hot, winter will be cold, fall and spring will be seasonable.

Facebook will reach 1 billion subscribers. Most of them will be named Brittany and Ashley.

A well-known Hollywood star will be caught with his pants down. It’ll either be a big sex scandal or the trailer for Will Ferrell’s next film.

Next year, all TSA agents will be required to massage passengers as they pat them down, making the whole experience more pleasant.

And finally, Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian will do something that gets them back in the news. Like bed bugs, they are extremely hard to get rid of.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at jim_mullen@myway.com

Copyright 2010, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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