Shayne on You: Creating your own reality

Dear Maggie,

I am deeply in love with a man who doesnít return my feelings. He loved me once, but now heís in love with someone else. I always thought weíd be together forever. You keep saying that we sort of have influence over everything that happens to us, but I donít seem to have any power at all over his feelings for me. I donít want to live without him. I canít be happy without him. I donít see any possible solution for me. I donít see any way I can ever be happy again. Please tell me how to make sense out of this, because it doesnít make any sense to me.

Heartbroken & Hopeless

Dear Heartbroken,

This is one of the most difficult situations to get through, for anyone, so donít think itís just you. But let me see if I can help you steer through it a little bit better. Youíve had your heart broken by a man who doesnít return your love, so in a way, youíve never been more clear about what you want Ė you want a man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You want that man to be one you can love just as passionately and deeply as youíve ever loved before. You want it to be this particular man.

The thing about creating our own reality is that the key words are ďour own.Ē We canít control anyone elseís actions or feelings. The key for us is never, ever to let our own happiness depend on anyone elseís actions.

So you know what you donít want, thanks to this heartbreak, which means you know what you do want. And as soon as you know clearly what you want, a part of heaven sort of shoots forward and becomes it. And the only step left is for you to receive it. And thatís where the problem is. Because right now, youíre still focusing on what you donít want. You donít want to be without this particular man. You hate that he doesnít love you back. You refuse to be happy without him. Itís all about the things you donít want. You canít even think about him without being painfully aware that you donít have him.

So I have to tell you, the only way for you to get past this pain is to stop focusing on him at all. When you can do that, and shift your feelings from mostly bad to mostly good, everything will change. And one of two things will happen. Either heíll come back to you, or youíll fall madly in love with someone else, someone who loves you just as much. And youíll wonder why you ever thought you could never be happy again, because itíll be so perfect for you.

So hereís your recipe. Fill your time with things that you like and enjoy. Itís going to feel like youíre forcing it at first, but do it anyway. Spend as much time doing fun things as you possibly can. Be with people you feel good about, and who help you feel good about yourself. Every time you find yourself thinking of him and feeling bad, you need to get out, move, run, walk, bike, go to a movie, shop, pet a kitten, hang with your friends, travel, do anything to get your attention off him and onto something else. Force yourself to date other people, and make it on your terms. You can be as casual as you want. You donít need to be looking for a life partner here. You just want to have fun and get your mind off your broken heart.

By doing this, you are taking control of your own life. Youíre making a decision that youíre not going to spend your entire life sad. Youíre going to spend it happy. And then youíre going about making that happen. Your happiness doesnít depend on what he does. If you let it, youíve given away your own power. Your happiness depends on you. So get a little bit happier, and a little bit happier. The fuller your life becomes, the happier youíll be. And if you do this consistently, youíll wake up one day and realize youíre not forcing it anymore. You really are feeling good again. And when that happens, the rest will fall into place for you. Trust me. Itís all about how you feel inside. Thatís where this creating reality thing begins. So if youíre feeling bad, youíre creating a really unpleasant reality for yourself. Donít let that happen.



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