Roland Cartwright, Cleo Heller, Harris Diamond, Dr. Joan Skaggs and Ivy Abernathy.

Cool-sounding names, right? They could be characters in a soap opera or a mystery novel. Too bad they’re not.

Who are they? Five of the 46 people who sent me junk e-mails today, offering good deals on anything from cheap prescription drugs to half-priced farm animals (why even bother going to the fair anymore?).

My question: Why do “they” – mysterious spam masterminds – even bother sending junk mail? Nobody actually looks at it. Once people see the message is from someone with a name like “Sir Cyrus Bentley,” they just hit delete. Another deal on Viagra that never had a chance.

It doesn’t help either that the message is usually in broken English – or doesn’t make sense at all (How can you rip me off if I can’t understand you?).

If spammers want junk mail to be more effective, they need to give their sleaze peddlers back stories as interesting, and unbelievable, as their names. A good tale to reel us in.

Here’s a few examples of good junk mail names that – with a little story added to them – could be garbage I might read:

From: Coy Landry

Subject: Discount Vicodin 

Dear Mr. McGuire,