Valentine’s Day isn’t all chocolates and roses. Just ask those poor mopes who got machine-gunned by Al Capone’s henchmen inside a Chicago warehouse 79 years ago today.

This holiday isn’t much fun if you’re single and not dating, either. At least that’s what I’m told. Lonely people say it’s just a big reminder that you’ve got no one to go home to. No one to share a romantic dinner with. No one to blow a few paychecks on a necklace for. No one that squeezes you tight and says, “Thanks baby, it’s beautiful. I would have gotten you something too, but I thought we agreed we weren’t going to spend money on each other this year.” Ah, to be in love. But while most of us are out celebrating with that special someone, the only thing those less fortunate than us will have to celebrate is probably today’s special on ‘Fancy Feast’ beef with gravy cat food (four cans for a $1, which single cat-lovers say is actually a really good deal, especially if it’s the only kind my ... I mean their cats will eat. But it doesn’t beat companionship with a human, that’s for sure).

Although not quite on the level of Capone’s “Valentine’s Day Massacre,” today must be a downer if you’re going stag.

I wouldn’t know. Relationships seem to grow on trees for me. Nope, no experience eating heart-shaped pizzas-for-one on the most romantic day of the year here.