Let’s take a non-profit honeymoon

It’s been a while since I’ve put my stupidest ideas in print (could have fooled you, right?). Here’s a couple with potential that, if the right people saw them, could really take-off (and crash soon after):

*Warning: Do not go past the idea “fundraiser wedding” if you do not want to read about me getting thrown into helicopter blades.

• The non-profit Fundraiser Wedding:

Between weddings and fundraisers, it’s easy to dish out a lot of money in the summer. My wallet’s gotten hit pretty hard from both sides. Of the two, weddings seem to suck out a little more dough from people – that’s probably because they don’t mind forking it over when open bars and buffets are involved. When the dough is for a good cause though, good luck getting any.

That’s why weddings and fundraisers should combine forces to create: “The non-profit Fundraiser Wedding.”

It’s easy. Arrange a few marriages between employees and/or volunteers within your non-profit organization (if the match isn’t suitable, coerce them by saying “don’t think of it as giving up your freedom to a disgusting co-worker, think of it like getting dropped in a dunk tank”). Then invite the whole town and collect boatloads of cash. Pretty simple. It doesn’t have to be fancy either – just so long as there is plenty of cheap beer and meat products.

There are ways to stretch it even further, too. Dollar dances at the reception have always been a staple. Pass around a “send us on a great honeymoon” hat. When the honeymoon is over, non-profit newlyweds can receive donations for every day they make the loveless marriage last. When it finally, and painfully, ends, there could be a “divorce drive” to get money for “legal fees.” Angry “non-profit mothers” can collect “child support” checks that’ll go toward beating hunger or whatever worthy cause they’re fighting for.

Writing a check to a non-profit is so boring. People want a little dance floor action and some of Earth, Wind and Fire’s “Partyoohh! Dancing in September! Partyoohh! Things that you remember, babyyy!” Trust me, you get that going, and it won’t just be the donation thermometers that’ll be getting hot.

It’s like a wise man once said, “Give a man a pledge sheet, get $10. Give him a wedding invitation, get $100.”

• Adventure Films Funerals and Interment, Inc.:

Picture: It’s the climatic scene in an action movie. The villain and the good guy are entangled in a fight to the death on top of a skyscraper. The bad guy gets the upper hand, reaches for his gun, puts it in the struggling hero’s face, pulls the trigger ... click! It’s empty. The hero then kicks his stunned nemesis off the building and he falls into the blades of a traffic helicopter hovering below. Zzzzzzerrrrrrrrrink! It’s over. The inspirational sound track kicks on. The police sergeant apologizes and thanks our hero on his way out. Hero punches sergeant. Puts his arm around the girl. Limps away. Fade to black. Credits roll.

That is how I’ve always wanted to go out. No, not like that worthless hero. The rest of his life will be spent talking about his glory days in a dive bar and waiting for his girl – who won’t look good forever – to pick him up and take him to the OTB. No, I’m talking about the guy who went through the blender in the sky.

“Yeah, Bruce Willis was awesome,” people will say as they leave the theater. “But what I want to know is, how did they make that awesome death scene look so real? Was it camera tricks? CGI? A really good dummy filled with lasagna?” Nope. It was me, taking my final resting place on the Silver Screen.

Here’s how it works:

“Ever wanted to be an extra in a movie? Yeah. Well why not be a star? For the same price of a funeral, deceased action and horror lovers can be immortalized by Adventure Films in the greatest and most creative movies yet to come – as non-living, life-like, death scene stunt doubles. Your loved ones won’t just be a part of the most vivid scenes ever filmed, they’ll steal the show.”

The movies win. You win. Everybody wins. It’s the final gift that keeps on giving. Your name in the credits and screen actors guild card isn’t a bad deal either. And, memories will only be a DVD player away – although, some people have said that might not be the idea’s best selling point.

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