Text me if you can

If text messaging is cool, consider me Ted Kaczynski (without the bombs and manifestos, just the shack in Montana and the sweet mug-shot).

Just never gotten into “texting.” Not built for the future. Mainly because my fingers have tremendous girth. They just won’t mesh with the sleek key-pad of the Motorola “Crazr” (I could have been the next Liberace if only they made Big n’ Tall pianos).

“But text messaging is so fun,” friends say. “Why not give it a try?” Even if my typing skills were decent, it’s not like I can’t talk faster – so what if it’s a bit slurred? Regardless, why pay extra to not make any sense either way?

“But Mike, how will I ever be able to tell you from a booth inside a Denny’s Restaurant at 3 a.m. that the short-order cook looks just like you if your phone won’t accept text messages?”

There are a few ways to communicate with the unsophisticated.

Take the time and write out a heartfelt letter:

“Dear Mike, Wow, it’s been a longtime, huh? Well nothing much new going on here. How’s everything there? Good I hope. Listen, I know things didn’t end so well between us. But you’re always on my mind. In fact, I went to Denny’s the other night to get some Moons Over My Hammy and the cook’s husky build and surly tone toward the waitresses reminded me of the time you had to work the soup kitchen for community service. Brought back a lot of great memories. I’d love to hear from you.”

If writing isn’t your style, try a nice chat on the phone:

“Yeah this is Sergeant Berkhoffer from the state police. Is this Michael H. McGuire? Mr. McGuire, you’ve been identified as being involved in a code violation at the Denny’s regarding two female truckers who were angry over a cold Grand Slam Breakfast. We’re going to need you to come down to the station and answer some questions... haha JUST KIDDING! It’s Bob! Seriously, the cook could be your twin. Same stains and everything. We figured we’d give you a buzz and mess with you a little.”

Chances are you could always wait and tell me in person:

“I went to Denny’s the other night. The cook was an animal. I thought of you.”

I have to admit, those examples seem kind of unnecessary and awkward. Wait a second. I think I get it now! Pointless observations, statements, and questions aren’t for normal ways of communicating; they’re for text messaging!

For example:

Text: “What r u doing?”

Receive a minute later: “Watchin tv. U?”

Text: “Nothing. tired. staying home. call me.”

Receive a minute later: “TTYL”

Without this technology we would never be patient and stupid enough to conduct a 10-second conversation – like the one above – that meant nothing and took 2 and a half minutes to have. What an achievement!

I wish Jiffy Lube could take four days to not change my oil. Or wouldn’t it be cool if McDonald’s took an hour to serve food that didn’t clog your heart? Maybe someday the rest of the world will catch up with text messaging.

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