Stayin’ alive

If you want to see a man get driven to the brink, surpass the limits of human strength and defy all odds to survive, keep reading.

If you want to see some guy extract water from elephant dung, drink it, get dysentery, and tell you how cool that is, put down the paper now and go watch “Man vs. Wild,” “Survivorman” or one of those other lame survivor shows that are always on.

For the seasoned adventurer who chooses to proceed, adversity awaits ...

“Are you ready for a television experience unlike any other you’ve had before? If yes, then watch each week as a stretch limousine filled with strange women drops off survival expert Mike McGuire in the middle of vibrant cities, paradise beach communities and bustling county fairgrounds. He’ll be left behind in these exotic locations with egregious amounts of food and drink, an extensive collection of fresh undergarments, four-star lodging accommodations, inexhaustible financial resources and no job. With every possible discomfort in life removed, only one question remains: how will he survive?”

Watch my new show, “Man vs. Excess,” on the Indoor Life Network and you’ll find out.

Unlike “Survivorman” and “Man vs. Wild,” each episode I could actually be putting myself in serious danger. Those guys already know how to fight-off sharks and munch on half-eaten zebras in the desert (trust me, they won’t let you forget it). I, on the other hand, have no clue how to be filthy rich (for instance, rather than go on a legal safari, I’d rather spend more to illegally import my own sharks and dead zebras). I do have great experience being extremely careless with entry level salaries, though. And I’ve always yearned to have enough dough to be above the law. Put it all together and it’s a volatile combination, which, as my agent proclaimed, “means we’ve got ourselves a hit!”

Viewers will be enthralled with my daily struggles to withstand temptation and make it out alive:

• “My turn? OK, I’ll have the right side of the menu.”

-- “Are you sure, Sir?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Better make it the left side, that’s where most of the Atkins dinners are.”

• “Listen Frederick, I don’t care if your guys are over at Nicholas Cage’s place! I’m not going to swim in a hotel pool full of spiced rum and coke. I paid you for light rum and diet Pepsi, capiche!”

• “Of course I thought the wings would work, Officer, why else would I drive a Lamborghini off of a parking garage? If anything you should be over talking to the dealer. If you could tell him I’d like a word as well, that’d be huge. Because I don’t pay that much extra for safety features that don’t work.”

In all honesty, “Man vs. Excess” probably won’t be all that different from the other one-man survival shows. Dehydration, sleep deprivation, and strange infections will probably find their way into my adventures as well. But at least I won’t be pumped-up about it.

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