Winning America back: One day at a time

Consumers across the country are feeling the strain of the rising fuel costs. Some, if further backed into a corner, are considering resorting to desperate measures. Here is an excerpt from the recent All Talk Citizens Brigade gas summit in upstate New York:

“Listen up everyone. Gas prices are skyrocketing just like they did last summer. It’s time to take action. Let’s boycott using the pumps for an entire day and really show those greedy oil companies that we’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!”

– “Wait, instead of just one day, maybe we should just use less gas from now on – ride our bikes sometimes, walk more often, or even stop driving so many SUVs all together?”

“No, no. If we alter our way of life for more than a day then the Hess-martyrs, Mobil-ban insurgency, Citgo-lutionaries and Turquoise Valeroists of the world will win. No, we are going to hit those slime balls where it hurts and not give them a dime next Wednesday. Oh we’ll fill-up again – but only after we’ve sent a clear and definitive message.”

– “What message is that?”

“That if we find time to purchase gas before Wednesday they won’t get their money-grubbing hands on any of our hard earned cash – at least not until Friday, anyway. See, my kids want to take a trip up to Enchanted Forest in the Land Rover and man is she a guzzler.”

How inspiring. Nothing says “I’m on the war path” quite like a good old-fashioned flip-flop.

Let’s keep this revolutionary tide a-rolling.

Money for the water bill not flowing like it should? Boycott using the shower one day next week. Loyalist co-workers will probably jeer, “Whoa! Get out your gas masks, guys. It smells like someone (nodding in your direction) won a ‘Stinker’ for lifetime achievement at the 82nd Annual Get Some Deodorant Awards.” But don’t fret – you’re a freedom fighter. All the hot water one could ever want will be waiting for you Wednesday – after your “final stand” has overthrown the fascists at the water department.

Getting burned by a tanning membership? Show them you have the courage to live as an equal amongst your pale brethren and ban all your sessions scheduled for Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Decree, “whence I once betrayed the sun and laid down with the light of men, I shall no longer.” From that day forward, you will only allow yourself to fake-tan on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Do that, and the light-peddlers will see that your destiny is truly your own.

Cigarette prices got you smoking? Don’t turn a blind eye to this travesty. For the next month, to let big tobacco know you’re serious, smoke twice or three times as much as you normally would. Collect all the extra “Marb Miles” and “Camel Cash” from each pack until you have enough to purchase the two-person camping chair or the logo wrapped inner-tube. Let Phil and R.J. know you won’t take this “sitting down” or let them “float by” on this one. They’ve taken plenty of stuff from you – it’s time you took some stuff from them.

Sorry to get so heavy. But when things get tough, the tough have got to talk about getting going. So let’s get going and get our America back next week for one day and Giv-R-Back. Or get out. But rather than get out, I say we Git-R-Done and Git-R-Back.

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