A glacier in every town

Iím afraid weíll have to write you up, sir, maíam. You are clearly in violation of several regulations. Yes, thatís right, sir. These come under the Sheryl Crow-Al Gore Act that Congress passed last year.

We have performed an audit of your toilet paper use. Yes, sir, we have a permit for that. According to the audit, you two are using more than one square per person per... per... well, you know. You recall Sheryl made a big name for herself recommending one square per... to save trees.

How did we come to the conclusion about your use? First, we checked your toilet paper purchases from the supermarket. Then we checked the flushometer on your toilet. As you know, that is wired into Flush Central computers.

Now, before you tell me you had a lot of colds in the household and used toilet tissue for them, we also checked your purchases of Kleenex and similar products. As well as cold remedies. You do not show any unusual purchases of these.

We have seen this behavior before, folks. Our computers kick out the names of people whose usage is unusually high. Weíre afraid your names came up. So weíll leave this ticket with you.

While we were in the house we checked on your light bulbs. In two closets we found old incandescent bulbs. There is another one in the attic. You know they were outlawed a number of years ago. We suspect you have been using these bulbs elsewhere in the house. The neighborhood patrol reported you had bright light showing from one of your rooms on several occasions.

Whatís that? Candles? Youíve been burning candles? Iím going to pretend I didnít hear you say that, sir. You must know that candles are never allowed under the act. Except once a year for birthdays for children.

Your car did pass inspection, I am happy to report. Good that it has solar power. And a backup system that runs on refried donut oil. We checked its windsail. It seems to be working. And your pedals are in good order. I imagine on a sunny day with a good wind and you both pedalling you must get up to, what, 20 miles an hour?

In our check of your cupboards we found residue of junk food. Our junkometer detected Fritos within the last few months. Lord knows where you would find any these days. There was also a smear of transfat found on one of your frypans. I would hate to think you are hiding any of these illegal substances on the premises.

How do you like your treadmill-powered tv? Saves a lot of electricity, that does. Yes, sir, weíre all growing older and slowing down. If you canít keep up, you may have to cut back on your programs, sir.

Now, how about your bathwater? Are you using it three times before pulling the plug? Good, good. Then it runs down to the cellar, correct? To be used for other household cleaning before it goes to the garden? Right.

What are we achieving with all these regulations? Many people ask us that, sir. The fact that you asked shows us that you have not fully embraced the ultra green philosophies of the Crow-Gore Act.

If you had any gas to drive anywhere, sir, you would see that all these restrictions have increased the number of trees in America by trillions. Yes, trillions. Several villages in the western part of the state have gone missing. Thatís how thick the forest has grown.

No, I know you canít go to see the trees. That would use too much energy. You will just have to take our word for it, sir. We would give you some photos of all our extra trees, sir, but that would be a terrible waste of paper. If word gets around that you have photos, why everyone would want them. And where would we be then, eh?

Yes, there are trillions of trees growing everywhere now, folks. Thanks to energy saving efforts of people like you. And our savings on oil are so phenomenal! Since we barely use any these days, we now have enough oil and gas to last 20,000 years.

And since our efforts have reversed global warming, we are enjoying these gloriously long winters.

Ski to work, do you, sir? Good! You remember the old Al Gore slogan: A glacier in every town. Thatís our goal.

From Tom... as in Morgan.

For more columns and for Tomís radio shows (and to write to Tom): tomasinmorgan.com.

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