Livin’ forever on freewill, bowling and cigarettes

Ever wish you could live forever? Who doesn’t?

Well, you can stop wishing and start planning – because kicking around for way, way, way too long with no worries is a lot easier than you think. You don’t even have to steal, cheat, or sell your soul (unless you want to).

It comes down to free will. I believe we all have complete control over our lives. And in order to be immortal, all we need to do is make a promise.

“Before I die, I have to bowl a perfect game at least once.”

That’s actually my promise to myself. It will be impossible to keep, too – and that’s the point. You see, I’ve spent a countless number of Friday nights at Rock n’ Bowl and never even broken a 75, let alone come close to rolling a 300. Lord knows I’ve tried. Since it’s obvious bowling isn’t my game, why would I make that pledge? Because I will never let myself die without accomplishing my 10-pin triumph (which I already know can never be achieved).

Oh, I’ll still have to try (or just set up a good excuse for failing – thus living).

“It’s not like I wanted to live forever. But right after I swore to nail down that perfect game I got banned-for-life from every alley within a 100 mile radius for allegedly “disturbing the peace” at an 8 and 9 year old bumper-bowl league banquet.”

“What happened?”

“I got sloshed and flipped over some food and dessert tables after getting disqualified for falsifying documents. They robbed me over a minor error on a birth certificate and a phony doctor’s note. I would have been the champ, too. It was all politics.”

Works out pretty nice, huh?

Create a success-proof scenario and walk the earth for thousands of years in search of rest – and have a hell of a time while doing it!

If you want to be hanging around with me in the year 3047 or 4783, I suggest you start thinking of something you knowingly can’t do and bank the rest of eternity on it.

For example, all the rough and tough guys out there should have it easy. Prior to “crossing over,” just swear that your mullet will be shaved and that you’ll be wearing a sleeved T-shirt. Make the promise – we already know its never really going to be an option, right? Why would you ever get rid of the mullet? Like Samson, it’s the hair that gives you super human strength (not to mention, coincidentally, a sweet bowling stroke), and to lose it would probably come close to killing you anyway. Mulleteers, you were already born on third base; now go out an hit the homerun that’ll carry you through infinity.

Smokers have to plead a tougher case, but they aren’t exempt from worldly paradise, either. Just promise to quit. The nicotine won’t let you no matter how hard you try, so who cares? You did you’re best. Just be sure to periodically say aloud, “This my last one, I promise.” Note: Remember to stash enough cig money to last the next few millennia.

Freewill sounds pretty easy, but be careful. If you’re a dyed-in-the-wool slob, admit it. Don’t falsely promise to become a slob before you die – or else your number will be up. Instead, pledge to live a sanitary life before its time to go. Then don’t. It’s ok, we can’t all be Mr. Clean, and shouldn’t be expected to.

Taking responsibility for your own life is what freewill is all about. We’ve got to set our own limit – then choose the paths that will never get us there.

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