1/2 cup Grape Nuts
1/2 Cup Skim milk
2 Breakfast Burritos
2 Hot apple pies
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 slice bread (whole wheat or multi-grain)
Tossed salad w/low calorie dressing
8 oz water
1 large bag Doritos chips (substitutions allowed)
1 pint Ben & Jerry’s Rain Forest Crunch
1 bag Gummy Bears
3 ounces lean meat
1/2 cup green vegetable
Tossed salad w/low calorie dressing
1 medium apple
Decaf coffee or water
Buffalo Popcorn Shrimp and Fried Cheese Sticks down at Crazy McCrazy’s Fried Shrimp Shack.
5 Coronas with lime with those guys from Minnesota. What a coincidence, meeting someone from Minnesota when Janet’s from Delaware! What are the chances?
Late Night Snack
Jell-O shooters at Sudsy McBeer’s Suds Shack on the beach. All these hotels look alike. Ours has an “Inn” in its name. I think.
Denny’s Grand Slam
Coffee (no cream)
Dairy Queen Blizzard and can of Easy Cheese
A few beers at the wet T-shirt contest. If you were in the contest you got free beer.
Pizza and beer in some guy’s hotel room. He seemed like a nice guy. I can’t remember his name but I distinctly remember he was from Chicago. But he passed out. Now I know his name. Charlie. Because his friends were laughing and said, “Not again, Charlie!”
Fried clams, curly fries and Tequila shooters at that place on the beach opposite the Coconuts. They had this deal where if you take off your top and mud wrestle you get a free drinks. I’m, like, an economics major and I can’t figure out how they make any money on this deal. But hey, let them go out of business.
I couldn’t eat a thing. I was sick all night. I don’t feel so well. I think I’m coming down with something. It must be going around. All the girls in our room are moaning and barfing.
I may never eat again. I can’t even look at it.
Doesn’t any place on this whole stupid beach sell chicken noodle soup? That’s about the only thing I can keep down.
Late night snack
Two Zimas. That’s it and I’m going back to the hotel room.
DAY FOUR (ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN’T DAY FIVE?)
I could eat a horse. It must have been a 24-hour flu going around or something. It’s almost noon. Let’s just wait and go to the Waffle Hut for lunch.
Deep-fried waffle with coffee ice cream on top.
Pina Coladas made with whip cream on top. They are so easy to drink. And refreshing. But I couldn’t finish the third one. Those cute guys are having an oyster eating contest, let’s go watch. The only thing more disgusting than eating raw oysters is puking up raw oysters. One waitress quit right on the spot. She said, “I don’t get paid enough to put up with this.” She’s in the wrong business, she’s just not a people person.
The crab special at Crabby McCrabby’s BBQ Crab Shack. Then I remembered that I don’t like crab so I just ate everything else on the plate. The coleslaw, the rolls, the onion rings, the fried clams, the fried shrimp, the fried scallops and the fried alligator tail.
There were some cute guys from Kansas at the next table, so we did some tequila shooters together and made plans to meet up later at that club on the beach that looks like it had hurricane damage, but everyone says they built it to look like that. Cool. What state is Kansas in again?
Something about the ocean air doesn’t agree with me. It’s 3 p.m and I’m still in bed. What happened to Heather? No one’s seen her since Day Two. I hope she’s sticking to her diet.
It’s almost three. But the diet is working. I couldn’t even button my shorts today.
Janet asked me why I was wearing Heather’s shorts. That explains a lot.
Ugh! Airline food. Who can eat that crap? We saw Heather’s parents arrive. I told them not to worry, how far could she go in a bikini without her purse?
*As with any diet plan, just go ahead and do it. You didn’t consult your doctor about not going on a diet, did you?
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at email@example.com
Copyright 2007, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.