The Club of Rome

Millions of folks believe a global warming disaster is perched like a buzzard on a limb, just around the corner. One of those corners just up the street. Labelled 2012. And 2015. And many of them came to this belief after listening to and watching Al Gore. He convinced them the sky was falling.

Such is the power of celebrity. This guy used to sit on the bench as First Substitute, in case the President copped something more than a feel.

Why, he knows important people around the sweltering globe. Like Britney Spears. He is rumored to be the father of Anna Nicole’s babe. He has access to top-notch scientists. And ... he made a movie about global warming. He gets to schmooze with Hollywood stars. So, therefore, to wit, ipso facto and all that ... he must be right! Order extra ice makers and air conditioners for the house. Hoist the seaside cottage onto pontoons.

Robert Kennedy Jr. has similar celebrity clout with millions. He was born in Camelot, so whatever he says must be true.

If Princess Di was still around she would only have to make a joke about icecaps melting. Five million penguins would do the lemming thing off their Antarctic lairs. While five million ski-iers and snowboarders swapped their equipment for surfboards. Salvation Army clothing stores would see truckloads of designer ski wear coming in the back door. While their stock of bikinis vanished overnight.

Al Gore may be right. Of course he may also be wrong. Scientists everywhere are making book on this. Yes, you read that - ahem - “The debate is over! Global warming is real and it is caused by us! Watch out for these chunks of sky that are littering the ground.”

If there is a debate that has ended, it is the political debate. The scientific debate - discussion really - continues. Ah, but don’t pay attention to those scientist types. They don’t star in Hollywood documentaries. They’ve never pressed an ear to a White House wall to hear what The Chief and Monica are getting up to. Or down to. They’ve never been to Camelot. They haven’t hugged Oprah. What could they possibly know?

One minor celebrity was in the news this week. Former defense minister of Canada. He says we can stop global warming easily. We just have to make use of the technology various governments found in the UFOs. The UFOs that have landed over the years. (Where have you BEEN, stupid?) They used some pret-ty advanced systems and fuels, he says. Put them to use and Al Gore will be able to heat his 20 bedrooms with a Zippo.

Such is the power of celebrity that many Canadians have rushed out to subscribe to UFO Weekly. (That’s the mag with the slogan “Alienated - Who me?”.) They’ve done so for no other reason than this guy was once - drum roll - Defense Minister of Canada.

Jimmy Carter was once - drum roll - President of the United States. He mustered up a ton of confidence, stood on his tiptoes, and peered into a future of gloom. “We could use up all of the proven reserves of oil in the entire world by the end of the next decade.”

It was in the late 1970’s when he served up that prediction. Uh, sir, the proven reserves doubled in the next decade. And the next decade. That doesn’t matter. This man was The President! He kissed Yasser Arafat! He might be the father of Anna Nicole’s baby! Winner of the Notable Piece Prize. Ipso facto, to wit ... he knows. I mean, he really KNOWS.

Also in the early 70’s we got to read the thriller book “The Limits to Growth.” This was written by the Club of Rome. Now this club was composed of a bunch of heavy hitters. Mikhail Gorbachev (who might be the father of ...), some former prime ministers. Two - count ‘em - two queens. Neither of them British. You didn’t know we had so many queens kicking about, did you?

Well, that settles it for me. Two queens, prime ministers and the leader of a disgraceful nation that collapsed into shambles. And they give miles! Whatever that club serves for dinner, sign me up.

The Club of Rome sold 30 million copies of its book. In it they predicted we would run out of gold by 1981. Mercury by 1985. Tin by 1987. Zinc by 1990. Petroleum by 1992. And copper, lead and gas by 1993. I can’t recall when they reckoned we’d run dry of calamine lotion.

And this club is still in business! I emailed them a query: “When do you guys think we will run out of Al Gore?” Now that I think of it, whatever answer they give me is bound to be wrong.

Yet, if one of the queens replies, I will believe every word. After all, she probably sips tea with Queen Elizabeth. And maybe even with Hellen Mirren. Remember, these people know Prince Charles! These people KNOW!

From Tom... as in Morgan.

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