Gobbled up!

Price gougers! Conspiracy! Crisis!

In January they were charging just $2.10. By the end of October they were gouging us for $3.47. That is a massive increase. Just since mid-September they ran the price up 55 percent.

This is a huge conspiracy, that much is obvious.

Where are our politicians when we need them? We should be whacking these outfits with excess profits tax. Call it an obscene profits tax.

And we should be putting a lid on these prices. Price controls - that’s what we need!

And if we can shift our focus just a bit we will see a black cloud on the horizon. Shortages up ahead. Yes. Inventories are being gobbled up and we are headed for shortages.

Where is Al Gore when we need him?

Yes... I did use the term “gobbled up.” Well, it’s accurate. We are gobbling up the corn.

The corn.

Oh! You thought I was writing about gasoline?

I was writing about corn. Corn sold for $2.10 a bushel in January. By the end of October it was nudging $3.50 a bushel. Hang onto your Fritos, friend. While you can buy ‘em cheap.

And why has the price of corn shot up? As I said, it is a conspiracy. The big corn farmers and companies have set out to gouge us.

Yes, I’ve read that it’s the ethanol companies that are running up the prices for corn. They need more and more corn to make more and more ethanol. To satisfy the demand from American motorists.

You don’t believe that garbage, do you? Ethanol is marketed by whom? By oil companies! Those evil oil companies.

By the way, we are gonna suffer collateral damage here. It’s part of the conspiracy, I suspect. Chickens are going to cost more. Kentucky Fried prices will rise. Whoppers are gonna rise too. Or maybe they’ll have to make ‘em with less Whop. Why? Well, what do you suppose them chooks and beefers eat, Jell-O? They eat corn! If they don’t choke on $3.47 corn, the farmers who grow ‘em will.

Obviously we will have to conserve. I am gonna phone Walmart and cancel my order for next year’s Fritos. Well, maybe just cut it down to ten cases. We’ll all have to eat less chicken and beef. And less of anything that comes from corn or contains corn.

Wait. We are going to suffer more than just price increases for our favorite foods. We are now looking at shortages! That’s right, shortages!

Corn farmers and companies in the grain business usually hold back millions of bushels of corn. They keep it in reserve in case next year’s harvest is poor. Well, with prices at $3.47 they are selling off the reserves.

In other words, come a drought and we are sunk. Come a pestilence and we’re goners. Next cloud of locusts will finish us off.

The only solution to this mess is to slap an obscene profits tax on them farmers. It is not right that they should make these gargantuan profits. It didn’t cost them any more to grow that $2.10 corn than it did to grow the $3.47 corn. Same damned corn!

The result of this conspiracy is that half of us are gonna starve to death.

Do you suppose they’ll use ethanol for our cremation?

From Tom ... as in Morgan.

For more columns and for Tom’s radio shows (and to write to Tom): tomasinmorgan.com.

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