Stowed away with Diana and Elvis

If you buy into these conspiracy theories, I apologize to you.

If you believe 19 young men did not steer two planes into the World Trade Towers on 9/11, forgive me for laughing. My mother told me not to laugh at other peopleís beliefs. Sorry, Mom.

Conspiracies are a growth industry. We should have a company - Conspiracies R Us. It could sell conspiracies, distribute them. Maybe find sponsors for them.

Anyway, they are flying thick as mosquitoes in springtime these days. Conspiracies are. People are pumping out movies, tv shows, books, articles. They have claimed for years that Dianaís death was a _______. Fill in the blank The conspiracy theories range from kidnapping to gun shots. Some believe she is held captive. With Elvis, I believe.

Conspiracy guys still convince each other there were 45 unaccounted for shooters in Dallas when JFK died. Including a dozen crouched behind the grassy knoll.

Conspiracy guys still believe FDR arranged for Pearl Harbor. Knew about it beforehand. Planned it. Whatever.

And now conspiracy guys assure us there were explosive charges planted in the World Trade Towers. These went off after the planes crashed. It is those charges that brought down the towers.

Popular Mechanics magazineís experts have looked at all such theories and pronounced them bunk. But, hey, they could be in on the conspiracy. Bought off by the CIA.

I can just imagine the guys delivering the huge explosive charges by elevator. ďGot a delivery of gelignite for youse guys. Iím supposed to plant it by those windows over there.Ē

The conspiracy boys also tell us a plane did not, did not plow into the Pentagon. Look - itís a bird. No, itís a plane! No ... itís a missile! Thatís what they tell us. A missile. A plane could not do such damage. And a couple of witnesses claim that what they saw almost looked like a missile. Right.

Simple question: So what happened to the folks on the plane that day? They were talking to relatives on cell phones. Did they just vanish? I know, I know. Kidnapped. Safely stowed away with Diana. And Elvis.

Another simple question: If our enemies used a missile, why bother to try to convince us it was a plane? Why kidnap the plane and the passengers? Why not just shoot a missile?

One conspiracy theory that will never die is that George Bush and Dick Cheney knew about the 9/11 attacks in advance. One popular theory is that they planned the attacks.

Yup. President and Osama were pen pals. Mapped out the entire attack.

That makes sense when you drop in the jigsaw piece known as the Iraq War. After all, Bush planned it to avenge his fatherís hesitation. Cheney planned it to benefit Halliburton. Or Mobil. Or whoever. Halliburton? Thatís the company that he used to work for. It slips him millions under the table every year.

So do the big oil companies. The ones that conspired to raise our gasoline prices to over $3 a gallon. They have that power, you know. Even though 90 percent of oil is in the hands of governments, not oil companies.

If they conspired to raise prices so much, why are prices falling now? Shhhh ... itís just for show. To distract us.

Another simple question: Of all these conspiracy theories floated over the years, which ones have proven true? Right.

Of course, there is that one that Monica decided exactly when to launch the missiles into that aspirin factory. Now that one sounds right to me. How about to you?

Of course, you can hardly believe anything I write. Iím part of the conspiracy. Or havenít you heard?

From Tom ... as in Morgan.

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