Broken chain, broken lives

Paris Hilton got this letter in 2001 and mailed it to 20 of HER FRIENDS. Before she knew it, she was wealthy and famous without even trying. Oh right, she was already wealthy without even trying. Believe in the Power of the Chain. The Power of the Chain is STRONG. Send no money.

• In 2004, Britney Spears received this letter, but thought she no longer needed the Power of the Chain. She threw this letter away. The very next day she married Kevin Federline and the aromas that are married to him. Within a year, her friends had left her and her career was in the toilet. She did not believe in the Power of the Chain. If you know her, please send her another copy of this letter.

• Mel Gibson got this letter in late July and forgot where he put it. He can’t remember. SEND NO MONEY! YET! Mel is desperately looking for that letter right now. He thinks it might have been stolen by a Jew. Or someone who sat through “Man Without a Face.” The Power of the Chain is Strong.

• Angelina Jolie got this letter and thought it was a hoax. She did not mail it to 20 of her friends. Instead, she married Billy Bob Thornton. Then she received another copy and made sure she sent it to 20 people. Now she lives with Brad Pitt and gets a new baby every week. The Power of the Chain is Strong!

• Ben Affleck has received this letter four times, and each time he has sent it to 20 of his friends. Ben believes in the Power of the Chain. But even the Power of the Chain is not THAT strong. There are limits, Ben.

• Ryan Seacrest received this letter in 1999, but he didn’t have 20 friends – thus ignoring the Power of the Chain. He was broke and had no talent and no future. In 2002, he woke up in a gutter with this letter pinned to his forehead. Twenty people at the food bank saw it. Now he is only morally broke with no talent and indefinite future. Ryan Seacrest believes in the Power of the Chain.

• Tour de France winner Floyd Landis worked very hard, rode his bike very hard every day for years and years, despite being in constant pain and having no hip. He won a race that was the equivalent of winning 28 Iron Man races in a row. He beat 160 other riders. But he believed in hard work and dedication instead of the Power of the Chain. He threw the letter away before the race was over.

• Phil Mickelson was in the lead after round three of an important golf tournament. There was absolutely no way he could lose. He decided he did not need the Power of the Chain and decided not to mail this letter to 20 of his friends. Don’t mess with the Power of the Chain, Phil.

• Model Kate Moss got this letter in 2005 and gave it to her maid, who sold it on eBay for $367.42. Kate was then on the covers of many scandal magazines accused of snorting cocaine. Her career was ruined. There was no way she would ever eat lunch in this town again. But she contacted the eBay buyer and got the letter back. The Power of the Chain is Strong. She is still a top model. Don’t break the chain. Send no money.

Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at

Copyright 2006, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

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