After attending a neighborhood picnic the other day, I had to ask myself – will I be the last man on Earth to wear an earring? And will it go with my hearing aid? Or do they make a hearing aid that looks like an earring?

Will I be the last guy in this country to wear a goatee? Will I be the last guy on the planet to get a tattoo? Will I be the last overweight man on the planet to wear a black sleeveless leather vest with no shirt under it to go grocery shopping?

I am so out of it, I don’t even know where to go to get my ears pierced. To that booth in the middle of the mall that all the sixth-grade girls go to? I’d be so embarrassed if I ran into someone I knew.

“Hey, Jim! How you doing? I haven’t seen you since you shaved your head and grew the goatee. That’s a nice look for you – if you ever take up professional wrestling. Do they have a senior tour on the WWE?”

And what kind of earrings would I buy? And how many? I see a lot of guys wear diamond studs. Other guys have two little gold hoops on the same ear. Can you have a diamond on one side and a hoop on the other?