Holiday advice on life and love

Dear Maggie,

Why is it that every year around the holidays some single men have to hook up with a woman?  They don't care – just any woman! The past few years one male family member has done this so often we have referred to the occurrence as "G---'s Christmas ho, ho, ho".  This usually starts after Thanksgiving and is over with by Valentine’s Day. Now I have noticed that the single women in the family don't do this---is it because we are so busy that we don’t feel the need to fill the void in our lives?  Besides that, what would we call them?

I., from McDonough

Dear I.,

Why is it that this bothers you so much?

Why isn’t it okay for a grown man and a grown woman to engage in some shared time together if it makes them both happy, even for a little while? And why is it one woman would ever, ever refer to one of her sister-women as a “ho ho ho?”

Focus on finding what makes you happy. If seeing G’s behavior makes you unhappy, stop paying so much attention to it. Or, even better, find a way to be glad that what he’s doing makes him happy, realize that it has nothing to do with you, and just gently let it go. You might even try being nice to his women friends. It’ll make you feel happier when you free yourself of feeling any need to judge or change the behavior of others and just love unconditionally. It takes such a load off your shoulders!



Maggie

Dear Maggie:

My story may be familiar to many.  Married 16 years, housewife for almost all, I'm turning 40 in four days and I'm getting divorced.  Top the cake with my 18-year-old daughter moving in with a boy I know nothing about, my 11-year-old daughter acting out as a result of the rising tensions and all I want to do is hide in bed and never get out.

So tell me, how do I get myself moving forward instead of being in limbo.  And how do I improve my feelings of self-worth when I feel absolutely awful.

Signed,

Stuck in the Muck

My Dear, Dear Sister Friend,

You are being reborn. You are emerging from years of being someone’s wife and someone’s mommy to being you. This isn’t easy, because for a lot of women, we immerse ourselves so deeply into those other, vital roles, that we stop knowing for sure who that is--who you are--without all the parts we’ve played.

It’s a terribly painful time. But if a butterfly didn’t have to struggle to break free of her cocoon, she wouldn’t have the strength to survive once she emerged. It hurts. But you needn’t let the pain overwhelm you. Each day, each moment, try to gently shift your attention toward something that gives you relief. It takes baby steps, and the next step up from despair, might be anger. So allow that to come if it gives you a sense of relief. Don’t stay there, in anger. Once you’re there, keep reaching for whatever feels slightly better. Thoughts of revenge? Those certainly feel better than feelings of depression and despair. Don’t act on the violent ones, but the best revenge for a woman in your situation is to suddenly dream of getting so hot and so gorgeous that men are falling at her feet. And that would be a very healthy sort of revenge to embrace for a while. Soon you’ll discover you’re doing it because it makes you feel even better things. Empowerment. Strength. Self-esteem. Bit by bit you can move on, reaching for thoughts that make you feel better, and it will get easier. On day one, the best thing you might be able to do is force yourself off the couch and into the shower. When you do, have your favorite products in there with you. Your favorite scents. A special loofah. Take extra time. Pamper yourself. Play music. Try to sing along a little. (Not the blues. Girl-power songs, like I Will Survive, I’m Still Standing, Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around. Burn yourself a mix CD of all the songs that make you feel stronger and make it your daily practice to listen.) Every day, do something that makes you feel slightly better. Notice everything in your life that is good, and take time to embrace and enjoy those things. Turn your attention away from the pain. I know it’s hard. It gets easier.

Bit by bit, you’ll begin to discover yourself again, or maybe for the first time. You are entering into the most powerful, most independent, most rewarding part of your life. Trust me on this.

Some days you’ll succeed. Some days you’ll wallow a bit. And that’s okay. Soon you’ll be doing the former far more often than the latter.

Now, here is the very very best advice I can give you.

Go, immediately, to www.aspaceoflove.com. Click on “FREE DOWNLOADS.” Download the free Audio Program, “The Silent Language of Peace.”

Next, sign up for the free 40 day course, Effortless Transformation. Devote yourself to reading the short, daily emails, and doing the easy, brief daily exercises. Listen to the Audio, and begin to do the toning meditation, no matter how silly it feels. (I do it in the shower, to save time.)

Repeat often.

This is not a religious thing. It’s not denominational. You’ll love it, and it’ll change your life and maybe save it.

You’re going to be okay, you really are. Better than ever, in fact. This I know beyond any doubt. When you can know it too, that “better-ness” will begin flowing to you. It’s all waiting.

With much love,

Maggie

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