The Big Ban Era

Welcome to the Big Ban Era. Last week Prince Charles called for the ban of Big Macs. And the president of the National Action Against Obesity organization called for a ban of Girl Scout cookies. She wants civic organizations to be banned from using junk food for fundraising. This includes PTAs, churches, synagogues, volunteer fire departments, the lot. Yes, the Girl Scouts too.

Meanwhile, a Florida politician called for a ban on the use of the term “illegal alien”.

What a brave new world we enter.

Associated Press report: Chicago. Police have cracked a major junk food ring on the south side of Chicago. They have arrested the local kingpins of the operation and charged them with major crimes.

“The cops raided the house down the street from us,” Mrs. James Smith told reporters. “They hauled away a bunch of pizza shells. And Fritos bags. Just think. Junk food, right here in our neighborhood, with the kids playin’ outside that house and everything. You never know how dangerous your neighborhood is until something like this happens.”

“I knew something was fishy for a long time,” her husband said. “We’d see suspicious looking characters goin’ in and out of the place all hours of the night. They’d be wipin’ their mouths on their sleeves when they come down. The word was that they was eatin’ burgers. My kids found some french fries on the street one morning. Can you imagine? French fries, right there on the sidewalk!?! And this used to be a decent neighborhood.”



Police arrested six young men and women and led them away in handcuffs. One was identified by a neighbor as Solly Bricknose.

“Yeah, I know that kid.” a local shopkeeper told reporters. “Nothin’ but no good that kid was. I remember he used to hang around with the wrong kind of crowd. They’d be down at the pool hall eatin’ candy bars. And M and M’s. Don’t ask me where they got ‘em. Them kind always know where to get the illicit stuff.”

“It’s the same old story. They start on Snickers, or bags of peanuts. Next thing you know they’re workin’ their way up to the bigger stuff. It’s a hot dog here and there, a bag of Krispy Kremes. Then they’re into Big Macs.”

“Whadya expect,” the shopkeeper’s wife chimed in. “This kid’s mother was jailed for selling apple pies couple of years ago. She used to come to people’s back door in the middle of the night. That’s the kind of house that kid grew up in.”

Meanwhile, police reported they had given the suspects breathalizer tests and found traces of everything from corn chips to buttered popcorn to bleu cheese. “We were surprised with the buttered popcorn. We haven’t seen any of that stuff on the streets for a long time. These guys must have been wheelin’ and dealin’ with some big operators to get their hands on stuff as potent as buttered popcorn.

Police also revealed they had discovered several jugs of “suspicious looking” oils buried in the back yard. “We are testing to see if these are transfats,” said one investigator. “We also have reason to believe they were brewing up bathub Pepsi.

“Forensics will tell us lots more,” the Chicago chief of police predicted. “They may help us track down the scum that are at the head of the entire operation. Our suspicions at the moment are that a group of former transvestite Girl Scouts are behind this. The infamous Cookie Queens. For years they’ve been peddling thin mints like they were dimes.”

“One of the guys we arrested today has a rap sheet as long as your arm,” the chief told reporters. “He was caught smoking a cigarette and sent to federal prison for that. Served twelve months. He called somebody a - I don’t know if you can print this - an illegal alien. Six months in the jug. He spent another two years in state prison for driving an illegal SUV around his neighborhood late at night. He left carbon footprints all over the place. He was also caught distilling cappuchino mocha lattes with whipped cream. This earned him another year in the slammer.

“No sooner did he get sprung than we caught him sneaking into a picnic with two gallons of barbeque sauce. We searched his car and found paraphernalia for making s’mores.

“I hope we can get a conviction on these guys. We have to get dangerous thugs like this off the streets.”

Stay tuned.

From Tom ... as in Morgan.

For more columns and for Tom’s radio shows (and to write to Tom): tomasinmorgan.com.

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