Something fishy's in your Net

My financial adviser says I should buy as many shares of eFISH as I can get my hands on. Today. Right now. Don't wait a minute. Its stock price could double by the time I get to the end of this e-mail. There's no time to call my broker or speak to my wife, just get online and buy, buy, buy. It's sure to go up. Not a second to lose.

I'd be foolish to do anything else, I'd be taking a big risk if I don't take his advice. That's why he's passing it along to me in a very important e-mail. He is very worried about my future -- even though he doesn't know me and has never met me. What a humanitarian! Passing along hot tips to people like me for no other reason than the goodness of his heart.

He's not doing this to become insanely wealthy, but to help me, the little guy. It's hard to believe he's not in the Peace Corps or a missionary. He probably wanted to but felt he could do more good for the world by advising strangers on what penny stocks to buy.



Actually, he didn't send the e-mail about eFISH to me, he sent it to a guy named Bob, but somehow it ended up in my inbox. Lucky for me. When you get an e-mail accidentally sent to someone else that contains a stock market tip you know you can trust it. There's no need to check it out. It couldn't possibly be a scam because it wasn't even really sent to me, it was sent to Bob. And Bob must be a friend of his because it doesn't even say "Dear Bob."

Use your noggin, here. How often are you going to accidentally get a tip like this in your e-mail? Once in a lifetime? If you're lucky. How come my own stockbroker never passes this stuff along to me? He probably wants to keep all the money himself.

eFISH, it seems, has developed a way for consumers to download fresh fish over the Internet. Simply select your fish on the eFISH Web site and within seconds, ocean-fresh fish will arrive at your eFISH capable computer (A high speed connection is highly recommended). Talk about a fail-safe idea!

And since they're based in Russia where the workers get paid less, they are able to pass the savings along to us, the Internet fish-buying consumers. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, I suppose some smart computer hacker will figure out a way to get into the eFISH computers and steal some fish, but shrinkage is part of doing business today. I'll never understand the criminal mind. It seems some people would rather try to make a fast buck instead of earning it.

The e-mail to Bob says eFISH set to have their biggest quarter ever. Two hundred percent over last quarter. This is my chance to get in on the ground floor before all the big guys jump in. Before the Buffets and the Trumps start driving the price of eFISH through the roof. Right now it's only four cents a share.

I'd buy a ton of it but all my money's all tied up in a new chain of Romanian fast food restaurants. Maybe you've heard of them, Blood Sausage Huts? I got an e-mail from someone named Hans that they're going to be the next McDonald's. I tried to sell a few shares of Blood Sausage today but they're having problems with their computers. They told me they use different size bits in Romanian computers than we do over here and that everything would be solved by tomorrow. That makes sense. You have to expect little glitches like this when you're dealing in a global market. I'll just borrow money to buy eFISH and cover it with the Blood Sausage Hut money tomorrow.

I'm going to buy a boat with profits. I'll name it "So Long, Suckers!"

Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." You can reach him at jim_mullen@myway.com

Copyright 2006, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

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