If I were ever made King of Chenango County, these are a few of the heavy-handed laws I’d enact immediately upon taking the throne:
Decree #1 – Ban on scratch-off lottery tickets, except if purchased and rubbed under bridges and on railroad tracks.
“Whereas, scratch-off lottery addicts will proudly log-jam check-out lanes and grocery store lobbies to feed the monkey;
“Whereas, busy people simply trying to pay for gas or groceries before or after a long day of work are forced to wait and watch as lotto-hoes scab off 40 ‘Loose Change’ tickets one at a time without any consideration for others;
“Whereas, ticket abusers – instead of being apologetic for holding up the customers behind them or being courteous and letting others have a turn at the cashier – have the nerve to appear disgusted and inconvenienced when they turn around to see they’ve caused the line to snake out the door;
“Whereas, alcoholics have bars, pot heads have form-fitting couches, coke heads have bathroom stalls, crack heads have crack houses, gluttons have buffets and porn lovers have the Internet so as to avoid getting in the way of productive society, and productive society can avoid getting in the way of them;
“Whereas, Mr. and Ms. ‘I think I’m all that in my tight blue sweat pants’ should still be allowed to scratch their ‘Lucky 7s’, so long as they don’t impede commerce or fundamental nutrition needs;
“I, King Mike, declare that State-sanctioned scratch-off ticket booths will be established below old bridges and along abandoned railroad tracks, which make for good, out-of-the-way places to get bent and/or conduct shady transactions.”
Decree #2 – Ban on television commercials advertising awesome products that are not available anywhere near Chenango County.
“Whereas, Sonic Drive-In Restaurants sell the ultimate foot-long chili dogs, topped with tator tots and nacho cheese;
“Whereas, Sonic claims to be the ultimate drink stop, with 168,894 different thirst-quenching flavor combinations;
“Whereas, myself and others have had near-provocative dreams involving the SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito, filled with sausage, egg, tomato, jalapenos, tater tots and cheese, all wrapped in a flour tortilla;
“Whereas, nearly every other commercial seen by local television viewers is for Sonic;
“Whereas, none of the mouth-watering menu items promoted in these commercials are available for regular consumption, since the nearest Sonic is in Philadelphia;
“I, King Mike, declare that all wildly-effective commercials airing in Chenango County can only advertise products available for purchase within two and a half hours round-trip of its viewing area, so as to avoid creating any unwanted yearning for unattainable corn dogs or causing local residents to travel highly questionable distances in the middle of the night for a Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster.”
Decree #3 – Ban on using Bluetooth unless you have a doctor’s note.
“Whereas, no matter what they think, no person is so important that they need a futuristic crouton sticking out of their ear so they can receive and make phone calls, unless it’s a medical necessity...
Mike McGuire once did the truffle-shuffle for an LL Cool J tape. His column appears Thursdays.