I’ve always dreamed of writing a best-selling self-help book, but since I’m not very good at anything, I thought it was just another pipe dream. Then I realized I was great at being bad. I could help people become failures. Instead of taking years to become bitter, dismal, self-hating losers, I could teach people how to do it in months – days even!

Here are some quick and easy-to-follow lessons from what may be a publishing first – a self-hindrance book.

DRINK A LOT OF LIQUOR FIRST THING, EVERY DAY

It sends the message that you’re so talented, you don’t even have to be sober to do this stinking job for which you’re overqualified, anyway. You don’t have a problem – they’ve got the problem. They don’t pay you enough to tell you what to do on your own time. Especially lunch. What do they think? You’re going to hang around here until somebody dies just to get the promotion you should have been given two years ago? Harris only got it because you were out with the gout. He doesn’t have alimony and child support to pay, and yet he’s making all the money, the creepy little toady.

IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY, MAKE SURE EVERYONE’S UNHAPPY

Some people are afraid to show their feelings. Not you. If you’re having a bad day, let people know it by making sure they have a bad day, too.

LET THEM KNOW WHO’S THE BOSS