American Office: Choosing the next prez

Run for President. Why not? Everybody else is doing it!

At least it seems like they are to a political blockhead like me.

As of today there are 19 well-known candidates contending to be the next Commander-in-Chief. Upon further research, it appears the number of (serious) candidates could end up being closer to 25 by the time we enter the crucial “still one year and eight months away from the election” phase of the race (in case you didn’t know, we just began the critical “one year and nine months away from the election” phase). So how will we keep track of them all from now to November (2008)?

Let’s start with what we do know: the heavyweights. The television says that Barak “Do-you-wanna” Obama, Rudy “Mayornnaise” Giuliani, “Sir Edmund” Hillary Rodham Clinton, and John “give me a nickname and I’ll break your face” McCain are the favorites (I gave them nicknames so I could better relate the election to sports, and to compensate for never joining a fraternity). If the mass media loves them, so do I.



It gets complicated and boring trying to figure out all the other apparently newsworthy – but mediocre – candidates. There must be nearly 20 of them. They all look alike, have similar names, and sound like they say the exact same things over and over. They’re so dull I can’t even give them individual nicknames – how about we call them “The Eagles.”

We haven’t even mentioned the hundreds of relatively unknown – but interesting – presidential “underdogs” that are technically still in the hunt.

There are plenty of potential “leaders of the free world” out there like the tough-talking 70 year-old Millie Howard, a receptionist from Ohio. Howard has sought the presidency every four years since 1992. “It will not take long for you to figure out that I want to be free,” she says. “I want to make decisions that I can live with and that I, and I alone, am willing to accept the consequences of.” Confident, honest and working past retirement – a real go-getter!

Or there’s Michael Jesus Archangel of Michigan, who claims to be God and a “best-selling author in the heavens,” whose campaign website reads; “let the matrix teach you that you can overcome your conditioning to achieve victory over Satan.” It’s obvious he’s here to help.

The best thing about long-shots is that they don’t even need nicknames.

My question is: how will we whittle-down who moves on and who goes home from such a large and diverse pool of office seekers – and with so little time?

Caucuses and primaries – they must be joking!? From what I’ve heard it sounds like those are for nerds (registered party voters).

Let’s make it exciting. Let’s get everyone involved. I’m talking about lining the opponents up against one another and may the best person win. I’m talking about American Idol.

I’ve been critical of the show (religion) in the past, but if everyone besides me thinks it defines the best in American music – and I personally care more about music than government – it should probably define our next president, too.

Only I’d call this version American Office.

How else would the Michael Jesus’ and Millie Howard’s be heard? They don’t have the support or the attention to run a real campaign. None of us do. Comforted afterward by a two-timing Ryan Seacrest, anyone could say their peace, get ridiculed and make the whole world would laugh – but the world would also listen, and remember.

If we had an American Office election we would never have to watch or listen to the dull senators and congressmen with detachable hair ever again, because TV shows know middle of the road doesn’t sell commercials.

For the best of the best, they’d get their spot in the end – only on American Office, like on Idol, everyone would vote.

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