CNN (Colonial News Network) June 1804
“Nothing has been heard from Lewis and Clark since they left St. Louis in mid-May. They are presumed dead, and the $2,500 Congress gave them to explore the Louisiana Purchase is down the outhouse. Should President Jefferson be impeached? Tonight at 8 p.m., King Larry wonders what kind of president would send these men to their untimely demise merely to explore something most experts say was a useless waste of money. Be sure to watch ‘Is the Jefferson Presidency a Failure or a Disaster?’ tonight, followed by our special report ‘Why, O, Why Didn’t We Elect Aaron Burr President?’ Coming up right after this word from Robert’s Buckled Shoes, poll results showing Jefferson’s approval ratings lower than John Adams’ and 50 points lower than George Washington’s.”
“Robert’s, the first name in buckled footwear. Handmade by the best-trained small children and indentured servants money can buy. Buy one shoe, get the other one free.”
“Have you thought about investing in gold? Many financial advisers recommend gold as a part of a diversified portfolio. Do you know that gold has risen 10,000 percent compared to worthless scrip issued by the Continental Congress? Gold will keep its value during revolutions, currency collapses and runs on any bank. Consider gold.”
“Are you using the right wig powder? Most wig powders make men look old and cranky. Isn’t it time you tried Muswell’s Wig Powder? Remember, Muswell’s Wig Powder never turns green in the jar. Only at your barber or surgeon’s.”
CSNBCCN (Can’t See No Bank Crash Coming Network) Wednesday, Oct. 23, 1929
“Tonight on ‘Margin Call’ our traders will tell you the best place to borrow money to buy more stocks, and as always we’ll bring you the latest rumors, as soon as we hear them. Here’s a story we just picked up from a reliable Grub Street gadabout: It seems millionaire Joe Kennedy was getting his spats waxed this morning and the shoeshine boy gave him a stock tip. He called his broker and said, ‘When the shoeshine boy is giving stock tips it’s time to get out of the market,’ and he sold all his stocks. Talk about panic selling. There’s no telling how much he’ll lose by not being in this bull market. Don’t forget to watch tonight’s special ‘Will Hoover be the First President to Win a Third Term?’ at 9 p.m., right after ‘What Have You Got To Lose,’ our nightly panel of stock-tipping experts. Believe me, they know more than any mere buffer and polisher. We’ll be right back with more up-to-the-minute stock market news after these important commercial announcements.”
“Have you thought about investing in gold? Many financial advisers recommend gold as a part of your portfolio. Do you know that gold has risen 10,000 percent compared to rhinestones and mixed-breed whelps? Gold will keep its value during good times and bad.”
“What brand of cigarette do you smoke, Doctor? That question was asked of 113,597 sawbones and tonic-sellers. The brand named most was Camel. Remember, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.”
POCM (Pundits on Crystal Meth Network) March 2009
“Obama’s been president for over two months now and my 401(k) plan is still in the Honey Bucket. When is he going to do something? Can we impeach him? How did he cause such a big mess in two months? It took other presidents years to do this much damage. We’ll be back after this commercial break with our special ‘Why Aren’t We Running the Country?’ at 9 p.m. followed by ‘Voters -- What the Hell’s Wrong with Them?’
“Have you thought about investing in gold? Many financial advisers recommend gold as a part of your portfolio. Do you know that gold has held its value compared to real estate and your 401(k)? Shouldn’t gold be in your portfolio?
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright 2009, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.