It's time to review... The Top Trends of 2016!
-- Streaming TV everywhere
My boss thinks I'm working, but I'm really binge-watching "The Walking Dead." Of course, I think my boss is working when he's probably watching "Game of Thrones." And we both think we're going to get paid, but for some reason, the company's going broke.
2015: "What can you say in only 140 characters?"
2016: "Enough to make you president."
-- Fake news
If it's on the internet, it must be true. By the way, won't you please look at my Craigslist ad for the Brooklyn Bridge? I think you'll like the price. Tell all your Facebook friends! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
-- Self-driving cars
Think about it: Soon you'll be able to text, eat fast food, put on makeup, talk on the phone, yell at the kids and daydream while you run your errands. Just like you do now.
-- Craft breweries
Where absolutely no one knows your name, because you're on a quest to stop at every craft brewery in every town in the entire country. You're not an aimless drunk, you're an adventurer, tasting beers that may never be made again. Small children will look up to you.
-- Amazon Echo
You speak to it like a person and it does everything you ask it to do -- plays music, sets timers, reads books, tells you the news and the weather -- all with no backtalk, snide remarks, questions or attitude. Oh, please, Amazon -- start making people.
It's the Russians, it's the Chinese, it's your neighbor's kid in his basement. If you're smart enough to hack into the Department of Defense, you're smart enough to get a real job with benefits, a retirement package and a seven-figure salary. And they'll probably still let you work from your basement.
It's when a guy tells a woman something she already knows in the most condescending way possible. But you already knew that.
-- Dumpster fire
The metaphor we use now for any ugly but newsworthy event that never should have happened in the first place. Used in a sentence: "We all recall the dumpster fire that was the presidential campaign of 2016."
If you didn't get one for Christmas, you must be over 50. I suppose we can look out for some new sayings in the coming years: "like a drone in a china shop," "little drones have big ears," and "Were you drone-dropping on us?"
A slushie made out of rose wine. When you really don't care about what you drink as long as it gets the job done.
-- Netflix and chill
Why go out to a movie when you can sit at home and snuggle? Because they'll stop making movies if people don't go out to see them, that's why.
The cheapest tickets to the rap musical about one of America's Founding Fathers are selling for an astounding $450. Scalpers get more. Start saving for your kid's senior class trip to New York while they're in pre-K.
It's the hot travel spot because it's not hot. It's overrun with tourists who are trying to get away from other tourists. Yogi Berra, send us a sign, we need you to explain this.
-- Man buns
Oh, to be a freshman at college again. Or any other kind of idiot.