Well, well, sports fans. Do we have our work cut out for us! The President got behind our idea. And so we have forced the Washington Redskins to change their name to…is it the Warriors? The Buckskins? Whatever, as long as they abandon the Redskins name.
Next up, the Syracuse Chiefs. For obvious reasons. We already got Cooperstown High School to change their Redskins name to Hawkeyes.
How ‘bout them Giants? Nope. The organization that represents the little people of America has petitioned us. To kick the shins of the Giants ‘til they drop the name. Cowboys? Nope. The National Organization of Women wants Cowgirls. And there is a transgendered group that insists on another name. It’s too long to fit on the team’s logo.
And the Colts name is destined for oblivion. NOW opposes it. (Colts are males, you dolt.) And Colt 45 is a gun and a beer. We’re getting protests from the anti-gun people AND the Women’s Christian Temperance Union.
Meanwhile, the Audubon folks are up in arms, or wings. Enough of these shameless attacks on defenseless birds, they tell us. They ask: Have you loons no sympathy for the Ravens, Cardinals, Orioles, Blue Jays, Hawks, Pelicans, Penguins, Seahawks, Red Wings, Blackhawks, Ducks. Ducks??? Lord, take me now.
They want to shoot down all bird names. Sorry, Cooperstown, back to the drawing boards. (Try Water. Water’s safe. Try the Cooperstown Perriers.)
The players on these teams are squawking too. Can you blame them? Can you imagine being called a Penguin? An Antarctic maître d’ in tux? What pride would you find in a moniker like Pelican? You would have to hide your team name from your mom.
Plucking a feather from Audubon’s wings, the PETA people threaten to blow up a few stadiums. Or bullpens. In defense of the defenseless Broncos, Colts, Bears, Rams, Tigers, Lions, Cubs, Bulls, Mavericks, Sharks and Chihuahuas. I am not kidding. (Well, those stupid Tigers sure were defenseless in the playoffs this year.) There is a minor league baseball team named the Chihuahuas. “Mom, I got picked up by the…the…uhh, think Bulldogs, Mom. Right. Mean, nasty Bulldogs. Only smaller. We don’t have dugouts, only kennels. Little kennels. Tiny kennels.”
I don’t need to tell you who protests the hockey team, the Canucks. The Greens are attacking the names for the Oilers, of course. And for the Jets (air pollution). Some anti-monarchy outfit wants to de-throne the name Royals. The atheists pray we send the names of the Angels and Saints to hell. They also want to re-name Los Angeles and San Francisco to Les and Frank.
You can bet we’ve got tons of pressure from anti-gambling people. To get the minor league Reno Aces to flush their name.
And I have joined the organization called PETP. People for the Ethical Treatment of Players. We are demanding, for the sake of the players, that the Isotopes change their name. You think I joke? You get traded to Albuquerque and you play shortstop for the Isotopes. Forget about Mom. Just try to get a date with that on your uniform.
We at PETP stream most of our budget to get rid of the most despicable hockey team name of all. A name that will live in infamy. A barely speakable name. I hate to include it in this column, so tasteless is it. ‘Tis a name that subjects the players to endless humiliation. Even the Penguins and Pelicans scorn them. The Hawks dive-bomb them. And jettison little messes onto their heads. The Chihuahuas lift their teeny legs to them. The Isotopes radiate scorn for them.
Yes, we must rid the sports world of the name for Ottawa’s hockey team: The Senators. A puck of a stupid name that is.
From Tom...as in Morgan.