With severe fire and drought engulfing more than half of the nation and nine out of ten of the hottest years on record all occurring since the year 2000, it’s clear that what’s needed now is lots more fossil fuel extraction and consumption.
We must drill our way out of this crisis. And since methane is considered 25 times more potent at killing life on Earth than carbon dioxide, it’s clear that toxic, volatile methane (you know, “Clean Burning Natural Gas”) is the answer.
Sadly, some people still don’t get it. Perhaps the moniker “Natural Gas” just doesn’t convey all the old-fashioned goodness and Get ‘r Done American values that those fetid, ancient dinosaur farts can deliver. Perhaps it needs a bit more Madison Ave. linguistic magic. Let’s see, how about, “Really Friendly, Organic, Clean Burning, Maple-flavored All-Natural Gas!”? Yum!
Besides enriching global energy corporations, it’s been scientifically proven that “All-Natural Gas” can completely cure New York’s economic woes by employing millions (maybe even billions) of Upstaters in high-paying, safe, cushy, permanent jobs. Yes, “Sweet Smelling, Cheap as Dirt, All Natural Gas!” has also been proven to remove embarrassing age spots, cure halitosis, and prevent balding.
We now have an unprecedented opportunity to witness our elected officials devolve into whimpering, corporate lapdogs, while we, the glassy-eyed, impotent masses, silently watch as the world’s filthiest industry tears apart the fabric of our communities, poisons our air and water, and jeopardizes the health of our most vulnerable citizens. And with “Gosh Darn Old-Fashioned, Organic, Sweet Smelling, Hickory Smoked All-Natural Gas!” at its lowest price in more than a decade – what are we waiting for?
C’mon, let’s take New York and “Frack it Up!” Forever.