Welcome my friends to the year that was.
Political Ads: Face it, they’re always offensive to someone, but particularly silly are the ones that end with a tag line like “Paid for by friends of Joe Blow.” Buying you a few thousand TV ads seems very, very friendly. If a friend asked me to give him a couple hundred thousand dollars, I would have to rethink our friendship. That’s the kind of money you give to an ex-wife, not to a friend. A friend of Joe Blow’s is someone who helps him move. A supporter is someone who gives him money.
Texting: Where r u?
@ a traf ik ak c dnt.
North Korea: And you thought this country was run by a bunch of bozos. North Korea makes us look like a land of geniuses. It’s an entire nation run by Mini-Me. And it has nuclear weapons. There is a solution. Someone has to tell Al Jazeera they saw Kim Jong Il drawing insulting cartoons of Muhammad.
Medical Marijuana: Side effects may include munchies, the urge to be profound and spontaneous laughter. If you giggle for more than four hours straight, call your doctor and ask if he has any left.
Wall Street Bonuses: You rob $20 from a 7-Eleven, you go to jail. Steal a trillion dollars on Wall Street from pension funds and IRAs and you get a bonus. That’s some nice little justice system you got there, America.
Paying for Luggage: Spend $25 to take a bag full of clothes with you to the beach? Wear a bathing suit as underwear. You can buy a toothbrush, deodorant a comb, suntan lotion and a paperback when you get there for a lot less than $25. And remember, you’ll save another $25 on the way back.
Vuvuzelas: As if America needed another reason not to watch soccer.
Pat Down Crybabies: Yes, the TSA can see your pot belly and they can touch your junk. Let’s see, you’re too chicken to be body scanned but you’re gonna yell “Let’s roll!” during the hijacking? I don’t think so. I’ll bet the 9/11 victims dearly wish they could wait in a long line to get patted down or scanned, as do their widows and orphans. When did “the home of the brave” become “the home of the whiners?”
“Oh, they patted down a little boy! For shame!”
“Oh, they patted down someone in a wheelchair!”
Like a suicide bomber cares if he blows up his own kid. As if you can’t hide a bomb in a wheelchair. Those of us with knee replacements and/or pacemakers have been getting patted down for years and it hasn’t hurt us. Besides, being patted down or scanned is a picnic compared to sitting in coach for seven or eight hours. That’s what should be banned.
Vampires and Zombies: Books, TV shows and movies about the undead who have the same everyday problems as you and I have, despite their supernatural powers, have taken over. How long before they start producing “American Idol with Vampires” and “Dancing with the Zombie Stars”? Oh, yeah. That’s pretty much what it is now.
“The Jersey Shore”: When you talk about class, sophistication, wit and style -- you must be talking about some other show. It’s like sitting through an hour-long infomercial on how to become a self-centered moron. And lots of people are buying.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright 2010, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.