Hi, this is Snooki from “Jersey Shore,” and this is the first book I’ve ever written. And when I finish it, it will be the first book I ever read! I’m so excited – I can’t wait to find out how it comes out! I have to tell you I never thought of myself as a big deal writer like Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, Tori Spelling or Carnie Wilson, but they’ve been an inspiration. I’m working on my cover picture right now, which is really, really hard. I have to pick the right outfit, the right accessories, the right hair and makeup people, the right photographer. It’s exhausting, but these are the kind of sacrifices I’m willing to make for my art.
They told me they wanted a memoir, but I told them writing a book is hard enough. I’m not going to write a memwhatever, too. I’m just going to tell them the story of my life and how I became such a huge, big star and the world’s most famous celebrity. It wasn’t easy, while all my friends were taking it easy and going to college or getting married, I had to go to nightclubs every night and drink tons of fruit-flavored cocktails over and over again. It’s not like I have my own vodka or anything, like The Situation. And he got that deal by accident. It wasn’t like he worked for it. And he’ll make $5 million. What will I make with this stupid book? One million? Then if I want more money, I’ll have to write another book and then another one. When will I ever get time to just relax with my friends and go drinking and partying? When will I have time to shop for purses?
I told the book people that I’m not a good speller and they said not to worry, they’ll pay some college English teacher minimum wage to do that for me.
I said, “OK, as long as it doesn’t come out of the money you’re paying me. I’m the one doing all the work.” Not like some people. I was walking through the mall the other day looking for something really tight and really short, and this old lady runs out of a bookstore and goes, like, “I’ve been trying to get a book published for 20 years, and no one will even look at it. I have two Ph.D.s and speak four languages and can’t even get an agent. You are everything that’s wrong with the world.”
She was old enough to be my grandmother. I don’t know what Ph.D. stands for, but if she has two, I must have 20. Her nails weren’t done, she had no chest and her hair was half gray. And she wonders why no one wants to read her stupid book? Like anyone wants to hear what she’s got to say. She doesn’t even know how to shop. It didn’t look like she’d been out partying in 25 years. You wanna be a celebrity? You’d better start acting like one, honey. It was so pathetic, like one of those people who go on “American Idol” and think they can sing, but can’t. This woman thinks she can write, but she’s wearing flats. Like that’s ever gonna happen.
Well, that’s enough writing for today. It’s sooo boring. I know you guys want to read all about me, but I already know all about me, so it’s not as exciting for me to be reading about me.
Time to go do some shots with my buds. I hear if you drink alone you’re an alky, but if you get puke-drunk every single day of your life with your friends, you don’t have a problem. That’s, like, a well-known fact. See you on the best-seller list – Snooki!
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright 2010, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.