Iím at my witís end. My husband is just not very nice to me. He says he loves me, and he isnít abusive and he doesnít yell. But heís always criticizing me. Just nitpicking about the way I do things, or the way I dress, or the way my hair looks or my makeup. Worst of all, he often does this in front of other people. Oh, I donít know how to make it clear the way he does this. Itís not overt, like, ďMy wifeís a slob.Ē Itís more like, someone will mention housework, and heíll make a joke, like, ďHousework. Youíd better get a dictionary, as my wife doesnít know that word.Ē And then heíll laugh and smile at me, and pat my thigh, as if itís just an affectionate joke. But itís not a joke. Itís an insult. I feel myself insulted and degraded all the time and when I try to tell him about it, he says Iím being over sensitive. And yet, living with this day in and day out is beginning to wear on me. Help!
Tired Out & Fed Up
Dear TO & FU (Gotta love those initials!)
First, yes he is abusive. This is abuse. Second, no, heís not joking. Heís being what the shrinks call passive aggressive.
But I donít want to talk about him or how to make him stop or what his issues are. I want to talk about you and what this is doing to you. Not long ago, a sample of human DNA was removed from the human (just a swab) and observed in another room. The human host was then subjected to films, photos, images and sounds intended to make him feel happy, sad, aroused, angry, fearful, etc. They had electrodes measuring the reactions of the DNA and the human. And both had the same spikes and dips at the same moments. (This was repeated with the two over 300 miles apart, with the same results.) This is amazing and has implications touching every subject from quantum physics to religion. But hereís the part thatís important to you. When the man was experiencing what weíd call ďnegativeĒ feelings, sadness, stress, anger, fear, his DNA twisted itself tighter and tighter, shrinking smaller and smaller, and some of the genomes changed themselves, while others shut themselves down.
Do you know what causes cancer? Changes in certain genes within the human DNA. Genetic Mutations, in other words.
By subjecting yourself to constant abuse, and the bad feelings that go with it, youíre doing as much damage to your body as if you were smoking a pack a day, or eating your way to morbid obesity or exposing yourself to toxic levels of radiation. I would go so far as to say that negative emotion is the number 1 carcinogen we expose ourselves to. Thatís how important our emotions are to our physical health. We tend to think one thing has nothing to do with the other. Wrong. Dead wrong.
You need to decide that your happiness is the most important thing for you to focus on. And then you need to figure out how to create that happiness in your life, with him, without him, in spite of him, or however you need to. Thatís your job, and if you donít do it, you have no one to blame but yourself.
So be strong, and go be happy.