I just got my crystal ball back from the cleaners and have looked deep into the coming year. While not every prediction I made last year came true – Tiger Woods did not win the Husband of the Year Award, and Elvis was not discovered working at a Dairy Queen outside Biloxi – I feel much more confident this year. I’m hoping to break 95-percent accuracy for the first time:
The stock market will go up. Then down. Then up. Then down. It will repeat this roughly 364 1/4 times.
President Obama’s popularity will go up. Then down. Up. Then down. It will repeat this roughly 364 1/4 times.
Several sports figures will be caught doing something illegal, immoral or fattening. They will be soundly denounced by alcoholic reporters who have cheated on three different wives and still make illegal sports bets.
Several actors and actresses will go through messy divorces. It will have absolutely no effect on anyone’s life outside of their immediate families, friends and people who subscribe to US Weekly. We will get tired of hearing about it three months before “Entertainment Tonight” does.
Scientists will discover a miracle cure for the one illness you don’t have.
Scientists will discover a cure for that four-hour-long erection, but they won’t tell anyone.
Something you have eaten your whole life will be found to cause cancer in rats. Twenty years from now, they will discover that every rat dies of cancer.
Tens of thousands of people will ring in the New Year in Times Square. None of them will be from New York.
Several politicians will make racist or sexist remarks for which they will have to apologize. It will be the same politicians that apologized last year.
A crusading preacher will be caught with his pants down or with his hand in the collection basket. Or vice versa.
Several celebrities will enter rehab. They couldn’t deal with the pressure of having so much money.
Something real will happen on a reality show.
People who live in the flood plains will get flooded. They will be shocked. Out-of-control fires will burn homes in California. The owners will be shocked. A tornado will rip through a trailer park. Survivors will be shocked.
Forecasters will predict the “Storm of the Century” five times this year. Four of them won’t be very bad.
Your favorite team will have another disappointing year. Everybody will know exactly what’s wrong with the team except the guy who owns it.
Someone close to you will marry the wrong person. You will try to talk them out of it. They will stop speaking to you.
Someone close to you will get divorced. You will say you never liked the spouse. The couple will get back together. They will stop speaking to you.
Someone will become famous for doing something stupid.
Someone will become famous for doing something smart.
There will be a new eat-all-you-want-and-never-feel-hungry diet craze that will consist of an odd combination of foods and rituals. “Eat all the spaghetti you want after 10 p.m. For breakfast, all the anchovies you can eat in five minutes. No coffee. Watch the pounds melt away.”
No matter how much money you have, you will wish you had more.
You will break all of your New Year’s resolutions.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at email@example.com
Copyright 2010, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.