Shayne on You: The perfect man is still out there

Dear Maggie,

I’ve fallen in love with a man who’s been lying to me ever since I first met him. For months, we’ve worked together, and from his first day on the job, there was an attraction between us, on both sides. We flirted, and things seemed to be progressing. We started going out for lunches together, and eventually dinners, and soon an affair ensued.

But things never progressed any further, and it was only recently I found out why. He has a girlfriend. A live-in, serious, girlfriend. She came to my work one day when he was off, waited for me to get off for lunch, and confronted me in the parking lot, in tears. She’d found out about our affair and was devastated.

Maggie, I am mortified. I would never, knowingly, break up someone’s relationship. I think women who do that are the lowest form of pond slime. Naturally, I assured the girlfriend that I didn’t know about her existence and promised I intended to end my relationship with her man for good. And I did just that. And I’m looking for another job so I won’t have to work with him anymore, but so far the boss has been very understanding about putting us on different shifts, so our contact is minimal. I think he’s trying to work things out with his girlfriend, though I think she’s nuts to keep him.



My issue is, though, I’m still in love with him. I don’t want to be, and I know it will end in time. My question is this. You’re always saying you can focus on someone’s good qualities, ignore the bad, and make a relationship work that way. So what if I focus on this guy’s BAD qualities, and ignore his good ones, will that make me stop loving him faster? I just want to get over him and stop hurting.

Best,

Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

First, here’s a big inky hug from me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thank goodness you found out the truth before things went any further, and you made the break, which was exactly the right call. You don’t want tie yourself to a liar, unless you look forward to being on the receiving end of his deception later on.

Now, the way Law of Attraction works is that you get what you focus on. By focusing on the good things in a partner and ignoring the bad, you get more of the good, and less of the bad from them. That’s why it can save a relationship.

If you turn that around and focus on the bad in this man, ignoring the good, you may very well fall out of love with him faster. But you’ll also be attracting what you focus on. Maybe another guy with the same bad qualities you’ve been thinking about in this one. That wouldn’t be good.

So instead of focusing on anything bad, focus on the good things about yourself, about your life. Focus on what you learned from this relationship.

Clearly, you saw in him the things you want in a man. Now you know that what you were seeing was a lie, an illusion, but that only means that you’ve visualized them so very clearly in your mind that you can see them easily. Think about the good things you thought he had to offer, and how great it will be when you find a man who really does have those qualities. Think about a man who really is the one you’ve been dreaming about.

You didn’t fall in love with this guy. You fell in love with the man your heart has created for you. You thought it was him. But it was a case of mistaken identity. How great to know that you didn’t fall for a loser after all! Your perfect man, the one who is everything this one pretended to be, is still out there.

The best thing to think about the cheater – is nothing. Distract yourself from thinking of him at all. Do that by having as much fun as you possibly can in life. And while you’re doing that, when you really feel it, and you’re out with friends in the middle of a belly laugh, with tears of mirth brimming in your eyes, you’ll look up ... and there he’ll be. The real thing. And soon after that, you’re going to begin to wonder how you ever let yourself get so upset over what was nothing but a cheap knockoff.

Big hugs,

Maggie

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