Count me in!

I am signing up with the global warming crowd.

You are right.  This makes me a turncoat. For years I have been skeptical about their claims.

But I have put all that behind me now. Many prominent scientists agree the globe is actually cooling these days, these years. But I do not care. Count me among the global warmers.

Countless thousands of scientists have pooh-poohed the global warming claims.  They reckon Al Gore is off his rocker. Meanwhile, he sweeps tens of millions into his bank accounts from investments he helps with his rants.  Sounds like crazy-smart to me.  Count me among Gore’s supporters from now on.

Yes, humans account for only 3 percent of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.  And we are so vain to think our effort to reduce carbon will somehow have an impact? Versus the 97 percent we cannot reduce?  I am willing to ignore that.  Must be publicity spewed by the filthy oil companies.

Yes, it is clear to so many scientists that the sun controls temperatures here.  Its impact is a zillion times more than what puny humankind can inflict.  That does sound more logical than the global warmers’ arguments.  But logic be damned. That stuff about the sun is probably put out by kooks.



Yes, I realize the global warming folks have dropped the term “global warming”.  Replaced it with “climate change.” Well, if you think the change of a few words alters things, you must be in cahoots with OPEC. I bet you know somebody who drives a pickup. There!

I have switched sides because the alarmists have convinced me we will bake ourselves into extinction.  They are pouring out Apocalypse-type scare stories and books and films. 

Here is how urgent the problem is:  President Obama’s science adviser wants government to rocket pollution particles into our upper atmosphere. These would reflect the sun’s rays away from earth and that would cool us down.

He also thinks artificial trees would help.  Somehow they would suck carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere.  Some big-time British scientist insists we must reduce the earth’s population by 25 percent. He has given up sleeping around.

Thoughts like these conviced me we have pitched face first into the mud of desperation.

And so, to do my bit, I am forming a new organization to fight global warming and save this planet for human beings.

My organization will encourage killing the animals.  The unnecessary ones. 

Let us begin with horses. Who needs them?  Farmers don’t.  They have tractors. Nobody rides a horse to work anymore.  When is the last time you saw a horse and wagon pull up to the supermarket, eh? Now that Eastwood and Wayne have galloped into the sunset, Hollywood is finished with roundups and posses.   Horses today are for show.  They posture in paddocks.  They trot ‘round the state fair, prance in the odd parade. The suffer rich girls bobbing on their backs in silly jumping competitions. But apart from that? All right, there are horse races. And fox hunts. But those activities punish the horses; not to mention the foxes and betters.

There are something like 80 million munching, belching horses on earth. Their carbon imprint is equal to probably 8 times what an average human’s is. Spare a moment to imagine 80 million horse belches after breakfast this morning.  So if we knock off the nags we will have reduced stress on the earth by the equivalent of over 600 million people.

Next, line up the dogs and cats. (Good luck with the cats. They don’t go for queues.)  We have hundreds of millions of them. They are nice to have, but admit it, they don’t really DO anything but pant and purr. Like the horses, they scoff up valuable food that could go to the poor.  They burp and they... well, they add to our carbon problem for sure.

Off with their furry heads and good riddance!

I am certain that all my new global warming alarmist friends will agree with me on this. They insist that human activity is destroying our earth. Horses, dogs and cats do the same damage. Get out on an interstate and tell me you don’t see horses being hauled off to some event behind 5 mpg SUVs that pump out tons of carbon dioxide. Case closed.

I can scarcely wait to hear how warmly my new global warming friends embrace my idea. They are sincere in their beliefs. They know we face disaster just over the next knoll. They know that if we bump off all these useless animals we will help stave off global warming.

I am delighted to be in the company of such thoughtful, sensible folks. I know they are willing to walk the talk.  Right.  Palaminos and Irish Setters first!

From Tom ... as in Morgan.                  

For more columns and for Tom’s radio shows (and to write to Tom): tomasinmorgan.com.

Today's Other Stories



© 2014 Snyder Communications/The Evening Sun
29 Lackawanna Avenue, Norwich, NY 13815 - (607) 334-3276
We're on Facebook