This week’s column wasn’t written by me. It’s actually a letter written by a U.S. President from the future. It got delivered to my house by accident. But it sounds like the world is in great shape.
Here’s how it reads:
“Seriously, where would we be today without the leaf blower? I bet things would be wicked kruddy.
“I’m righting about it because the totally awesome ‘light beer and tanned chicks’ season is over, and ‘Halloween Candy and Football’ season has begun. And with it comes falling leaves on our lawns, a stupid thing that I’m sure most of us think would suck without the kick-assness of leaf blowers.
“I would be messing with you if I said life wasn’t way hard before they were invented. A couple times each Halloween Candy and Football season – usually on a weekend – people had to clean-up the dead leaves in their yards with a lame thing called a “rake.” Rakes looked like big metal hands with too many fingers on them. People used rakes to put leaves into piles, and it took a really long time – like an hour and half – because they sucked at grabbing them. After they got all their piles made, people would hang out for a while and drink this wussy stuff called “ice water.” While they did that, (this part is pretty cool) bad ass teenagers would walk by and jump into the piles and the people would have to start all over again (I body-slammed a leaf pile once and got dog poop on my clothes). Once the mounds were re-made, people had to put them into these annoying brown bags and seal them closed with wire twist ties that’d like stab their fingers and stuff. Then they’d set the bags on the curb for somebody to haul away (If I lived back then, I would’ve moved the bags into the road as a joke). That’s how everyone did it for a long time. Sounds pretty weak, huh?
“But, some wicked smart person in the 1990s said picking up leaves was too hard and thought up a way to blow them onto the neighbor’s lawn instead. Pretty cool, huh?
“They say the inventor of the leaf blower was a true American from another country that was paid to think up cool ways to help people push their work off on someone else. Legend has it, he thought of the idea after he spent three days in his garage cranking on his vacuum trying to get it to suck in reverse.
“But leaf blowers aren’t the only reason why I’m righting you today. I’m righting because without the guy who taught his hoover to suck opposite, and the other dudes like him with the same vision, we might not have ever learned how to not take responsibility for stuff. We never would have been able to blame other people for stuff that’s not their fault. We never would have been able take advantage of our neighbors like we do. And we never would have had our freedom to rip people off!”