The real American way

Today is the Fourth of July, and Iíve decided that I should start living my life the real American way. Thatís why Iíve decided to file a frivolous lawsuit.

It took me a while to decide what the basis for my frivolous suit should be. It needs to be something so ridiculous that it attracts media attention, but still have the possibility of landing me millions of dollars that someone worked hard for, so I could someday complain about something preposterous and try to take it away. Emotional duress is always a surefire way to go. Who can put a price on something that caused you emotional pain? I can, and that price is somewhere between $18 and $70 million dollars.



It came to me in a flash. I would sue my former employer Friendlyís Restaurant for discontinuing my favorite ice cream flavor during my pregnancy. (Just the fact that I was pregnant caused me to be emotionally unstable all of the time, and the added stress of losing the Velvet Praline Crunch Ice Cream, really did me in.)

I spent hours searching grocery stores and ice cream shops for the coveted flavor. OK, while I never searched for it, I did send my husband out on numerous occasions, to no avail. (Maybe my husband can also file a suit, since he suffered as a result of the ice cream loss, too.)

I know this might seem like a ridiculous idea, but once you hear about some of the even more ridiculous lawsuits that make the news on a daily basis, mine will seem like a real travesty. Listen to some examples.

A Washington D.C. based administrative judge recently sued an area dry cleaner for $65 million for a lost pair of pants. This guy was part of the legal system, and yet he was trying to abuse it to get some entirely undeserved and selfish settlement from a poor mom and pop dry cleaner.

Another news story told the plight of a Michigan woman who apparently suffered severe injuries to her jaw after chewing Starburst Fruit Chew candies. Apparently, the woman is now suing the candy company for thousands, saying their candies should come with a warning label. What made this story even crazier were the two experts one news channel opted to have on the air, discussing if the candies should in fact come with a warning. Apparently, possible labels could read ďHey stupid, these fruit chews could be a little chewy!Ē

After hearing about these stories, who could doubt that taking away ice cream from a pregnant lady might be cause for a multi-million dollar settlement? Friendlyís, Iíll be in touch.

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