There is a man who knows how to solve all the problems in the Middle East quickly and easily. He knows exactly what we should do in Iraq. He has the solution to global climate change, the high price of gas, the immigration turmoil, affirmative action, stem cell research, gangs and the drug problem.
He can speak extemporaneously for hours on tax fairness, campaign finance reform, universal health care, voter fraud, education reform, farm subsidies and foreign aid.
Nothing is too big or too small to escape his notice. In the past half-hour he has touched on Indian casinos, “The Sopranos”’ ending, the crisis in Darfur, Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, globalization, spice rubs and the iPhone.
And where is this man? In the government? Out on the campaign trail running for office? Writing position papers for some prestigious think tank? Teaching at one of the great universities?
No, he’s right at the table next to me and Sue at the local Applebee’s. What luck! Not only is he an expert on world and national affairs, he is an expert on football, baseball, basketball, motocross, hockey, tennis, golf, NASCAR racing, bass fishing, target shooting, volleyball, roller derby, horse racing, cycling, ice skating, ice-dancing croquet, pro wrestling, boxing, bowling, curling, snowboarding, surfing, windsurfing, ski jumping, tractor pulling, darts, parachute jumping, badminton, bull riding and team roping.
He is extremely principled and highly moral. He has nothing but contempt for athletes who take steroids or athletes who don’t win 100 percent of the time. They are miserable, despicable failures who lack character. They are bad role models who corrupt our youth by sending out the wrong message about hard work and dedication.
Even worse, it screws up his betting system. Which is why, through absolutely no fault of his own, he’s three years behind on the child support – because of all those lazy, good-for-nothing, overpaid athletes.
The overpaid athletes rank right up there with the overpaid Hollywood celebrities who change partners faster than you can change channels on your TV. Their marriages fail because they are so self-centered and egotistical. They can’t think past themselves.
Whereas his own three marriages failed because his wives were all nagging witches. Nag, nag, nag. Nagging him to get a job, nagging him to stop drinking, nagging him to take a shower, nagging him to fix the car so she could drive to work instead of walking to the bus.
“The walking would do her good. Get some pounds off her butt.”
So, it’s not just world and national affairs that he’s an expert on, he is also an expert on women. Unfortunately for them, most of them do not come up to his high standards of height-weight proportion, gymnastic ability and buttock size. Most women are therefore ineligible to have fast, energetic sex with him right this very minute no matter how much they’d like to.
Plus, the restraining order that his second ex-wife has taken out on him that says he can’t come within 1,000 yards of her or the kids is a distraction. And it was based on a complete misunderstanding. He was simply cleaning the baseball bat when it slipped from his hands and accidentally destroyed the dinette set in the kitchen and her collection of Lladro figurines in the living room.
Now, because of her, his children will be deprived of a father’s tender love. How will they learn how to fish? How to hunt? To cheat on their taxes? To hotwire a car? To post bail? To drive on a suspended license? Who will teach them that? The overpaid, morally deficient judge?
As we ate desert, we learned to how to solve our problems with North Korea, unreasonable flight delays, the quality of Chinese imports, wind power and the crystal-meth epidemic.
“This guy can’t even run his own life but he thinks he should be running the world,” I said to Sue.
“What makes you think he isn’t?” she asked.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at email@example.com
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