Well, I’ve learned my lesson.
It took about four-hundred visits, but I finally realized – after receiving a little bit of scale-shock – that the Chinese Buffet (thank God they don’t serve breakfast) isn’t the best place to kick-off a new diet campaign (it is, however, the best place to get a plateful of crab rangoons and Little Debbie Ho-Ho’s). Luckily I saw the error of my ways early. I’m still young and have got enough time to wait until technological advances get rolling to the point where exercise will no longer be necessary to live a healthy life.
Other people haven’t been so blessed. They’ve had to not learn their lessons the hard way.
Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in L.A. county lock-up recently for violating her probation. She’s reportedly “distraught” and “traumatized” by the ruling. I would say Paris is learning that crime doesn’t pay, but considering that crime’s cousins, sleaze and smut, have already paid her pretty well – plus the fact that she has a nice long break before going behind bars – leads me to believe that between publicity and high priced appeals she’ll find a way to come out smelling like roses (not literally).
Then there’s Ronald Dagget, 43, of Syracuse. Earlier this week his sixth DWI conviction landed him in the state pen for at least the next 20 years, if not the rest of his life, because going to prison five other times – and at one point even killing someone – wasn’t punishment enough for driving drunk. I’d say now Ron understands the gross irresponsibility of his behavior, but what’s spending twenty more years in his favorite home away from home – for breaking a law he obviously doesn’t care about – going to prove?
In another case, kids in Long Island have been abusing cough medicine to the point where a county law was passed making it illegal to sell certain kinds to kids under 19. I’d would entertain the argument that this measure sends a strong message, but kids stupid enough to get high on cough syrup will now most likely move onto huffing gasoline (I’d like to see them ban that!).
Rather than laws, jails, and giving second, third, fourth, and fifth chances, let’s nip all this in the bud.
Let’s give these people what they want.
A person who abuses cough medicine is only a person who hasn’t had enough of it yet. Let them sing the Dimetapp blues for a night. Ten straight hours of hugging the toilet and believing you’re Yosemite Sam should cure the affliction.
If people like Ronald Dagget enjoy not playing by the rules, I think they should be allowed to play by their own. We’ll even-out the odds and let him and other DWI lifers take their chances in a drunken demolition derby on a deserted highway somewhere. No speed limit. No motor skills. No problem.
As for Paris Hilton, I want to say she’s a lost cause, but we haven’t tried giving her cough medicine yet.