Whatís the difference between my couch at home and my couch on vacation?
One has been repeatedly decimated by a huge Mike Meteor and the other one soon will be.
Thatís because Iím important. I am a couch-commander.
I used to be big on the typical vacation stuff that most people enjoy. Coconut-flavored tanning oil. Sand. Sun. Heat.
Now, as commander, those things are beneath me.
In all honesty, with all my responsibilities as the top sofa sailor, I donít even know how or why I take the time to go on vacation anymore.
Itís not like I still sprint to take walks on the beach or spike volleyballs with the neighbors in the condo next door while Iím down there. And Iíve never looked forward to playing that beach pastime where two people awkwardly try to hit a rock-hard ball back and forth into the wind with crummy paddles (even if their were rules for this hoot of a game Ė letís call it ďPurgatoryĒ Ė and some sort of scoring format, I still wouldnít play. But if there were, I probably wouldnít ban it once I became President). I donít spend hours like in the past collecting sea-shells or building sand castles. I stopped sending two dozen postcards to friends and family (unless thereís a really large woman in a bikini on the front). These days I donít care about being able to buy fireworks or eat at a seafood buffet (hence last weekís column). Swimming in the ocean with jellyfish Ė Iím sure itís fun. Maybe next time.
But Iíll admit, its somewhat enjoyable to be surrounded by all the people who do enjoy their temporary beach home.
For me, vacation happens to be the one time of year where I can stretch out on the love seat and not criticize everything I see or feel responsible for telling the world how to solve all its problems. At home I have to have all the answers Ė with armrests at either end and a TV tray out in front. On vacation, I can relax and let all you underlings take the reins for a while.
People ask, ďwhy not do something on vacation that you canít do at home?Ē
Itís hard to explain to the lay-person (no pun intended) that taking a break from running the world in a horizontal position isnít as easy as it sounds. My natural instinct once I kick-up my feet and turn on the tube is to explain why everything is so stupid, and how I Ė if not tied to the couch Ė would do things differently.
If you are reading this and everything seems to be falling apart in the world, itís because Iím actually on vacation. Donít worry, Iíll be back Monday.