Spring Break Beach Diet

DAY ONE

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit

1/2 cup Grape Nuts

1/2 Cup Skim milk

Brunch

2 Breakfast Burritos

2 Hot apple pies

Lunch

1/2 cup cottage cheese

1 slice bread (whole wheat or multi-grain)

Tossed salad w/low calorie dressing

8 oz water

Snack

1 large bag Doritos chips (substitutions allowed)

1 pint Ben & Jerry’s Rain Forest Crunch

1 bag Gummy Bears

Dinner

3 ounces lean meat

1/2 cup green vegetable

Tossed salad w/low calorie dressing

1 medium apple

Decaf coffee or water

Evening Snack

Buffalo Popcorn Shrimp and Fried Cheese Sticks down at Crazy McCrazy’s Fried Shrimp Shack.

5 Coronas with lime with those guys from Minnesota. What a coincidence, meeting someone from Minnesota when Janet’s from Delaware! What are the chances?

Late Night Snack

Jell-O shooters at Sudsy McBeer’s Suds Shack on the beach. All these hotels look alike. Ours has an “Inn” in its name. I think.

Vitamin Supplements

DAY TWO

Breakfast

Denny’s Grand Slam

Coffee (no cream)

Snack

Dairy Queen Blizzard and can of Easy Cheese

Lunch

A few beers at the wet T-shirt contest. If you were in the contest you got free beer.

Snack

Pizza and beer in some guy’s hotel room. He seemed like a nice guy. I can’t remember his name but I distinctly remember he was from Chicago. But he passed out. Now I know his name. Charlie. Because his friends were laughing and said, “Not again, Charlie!”

Dinner

Fried clams, curly fries and Tequila shooters at that place on the beach opposite the Coconuts. They had this deal where if you take off your top and mud wrestle you get a free drinks. I’m, like, an economics major and I can’t figure out how they make any money on this deal. But hey, let them go out of business.

DAY 3

Breakfast

I couldn’t eat a thing. I was sick all night. I don’t feel so well. I think I’m coming down with something. It must be going around. All the girls in our room are moaning and barfing.

Lunch

I may never eat again. I can’t even look at it.

Snack

Oh brother!

Dinner

Doesn’t any place on this whole stupid beach sell chicken noodle soup? That’s about the only thing I can keep down.

Late night snack

Two Zimas. That’s it and I’m going back to the hotel room.

DAY FOUR (ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN’T DAY FIVE?)

Breakfast

I could eat a horse. It must have been a 24-hour flu going around or something. It’s almost noon. Let’s just wait and go to the Waffle Hut for lunch.

Lunch

Deep-fried waffle with coffee ice cream on top.

Snack

Pina Coladas made with whip cream on top. They are so easy to drink. And refreshing. But I couldn’t finish the third one. Those cute guys are having an oyster eating contest, let’s go watch. The only thing more disgusting than eating raw oysters is puking up raw oysters. One waitress quit right on the spot. She said, “I don’t get paid enough to put up with this.” She’s in the wrong business, she’s just not a people person.

Dinner

The crab special at Crabby McCrabby’s BBQ Crab Shack. Then I remembered that I don’t like crab so I just ate everything else on the plate. The coleslaw, the rolls, the onion rings, the fried clams, the fried shrimp, the fried scallops and the fried alligator tail.

There were some cute guys from Kansas at the next table, so we did some tequila shooters together and made plans to meet up later at that club on the beach that looks like it had hurricane damage, but everyone says they built it to look like that. Cool. What state is Kansas in again?

DAY FIVE

Something about the ocean air doesn’t agree with me. It’s 3 p.m and I’m still in bed. What happened to Heather? No one’s seen her since Day Two. I hope she’s sticking to her diet.

DAY SIX

Lunch

It’s almost three. But the diet is working. I couldn’t even button my shorts today.

Dinner

Janet asked me why I was wearing Heather’s shorts. That explains a lot.

DAY SEVEN

Ugh! Airline food. Who can eat that crap? We saw Heather’s parents arrive. I told them not to worry, how far could she go in a bikini without her purse?

*As with any diet plan, just go ahead and do it. You didn’t consult your doctor about not going on a diet, did you?

Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at jim_mullen@myway.com

Copyright 2007, Newspaper Enterprise Assn.