Author Archive

Fire safety will improve your sex life

Ha. Ha. Fooled you into reading this column. Fire safety won’t do a single thing to help you seduce your favorite cutie (although fireplaces are very seductive). But, over the... read more...


Flight Plan

During the past several years, I have taken dozens of airplane trips on various carriers. In doing so, I was shocked to realize that the pre-flight welcome-aboard script had c... read more...


Mr. Biggie

I was brought up during an era when milk was delivered to the door. It came in thick, oblong bottles with gently rounded corners, a stubby neck, and a paper lid that was remov... read more...


Hollywood hates New York

Courtesy of an impenetrable fog and a closed airport, instead of flying back to New York City after a wonderful weekend in Ottawa, I jumped (well ... dragged my suitcase) onto... read more...


Embarrassing, manipulative, Dove.

After I saw the first Dove ad in their on-going “Campaign for Real Beauty,” I kept my response to myself because I was fairly certain that I would be the only person in the wh... read more...


Designated Self-Pity Day

Sometimes, things go wrong. A car careens out of control and the driver’s best friend is killed. An actor is turned down for the perfect part because he’s two inches shorter... read more...


Lazy day

The fireplace is going crackle, crackle, crackle, and when I look into it, I amuse myself by thinking up ways to describe the flames. They leap. They dance. The flicker. T... read more...


Knock Out Drops

I had a tremendous advantage when I was growing up. I did not join a movement that brainwashed girls into thinking that, simply because they demanded to be called “Ms.” inst... read more...


Love letters: A cautionary tale

Dearest (fill in the blanks): Since you have been away from me (on the battlefield ... in school ... taking care of your sick father), I have had an epiphany! Suddenly... read more...


Young at heart

When I was reaching for a cup of coffee at a gas station food mart the other day, a portly man sauntered by. My first impression was of bulldog jowls. A thick neck. Thinning h... read more...


A perfectly wonderful bad book

Something about the holiday season makes me want to unbuckle my safety goggles, rip off my bulletproof vest, and describe The Dangerous Book for Boys. This hardcover has been... read more...


Dangerous toys. Dangerous joys.

I used to play with mercury. So did all of my brothers, sisters, and friends. We would crack the length of a thermometer against the sharp edge of a table and watch the si... read more...


Picture this

Please, put your digital camera back into its camera bag, turn off your computer Photo-Share, and clear your mind. Thank you. Now, think back. The time: Childhood. The locat... read more...


My father’s books

I was already in my thirties when I opened the first page of my father’s favorite novel, The Count of Monte Cristo. He had been counseling me to read it for…oh, I’d say about... read more...


Excuse me ... Diversity?

After a recent orgy of old movies, it suddenly dawned on me that upon our innocent little hearts and minds, once again, a linguistic hoax is being perpetrated. What’s the wo... read more...



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