Author Archive
Tarmac timeshare
Big, big decisions. Sue and I don’t get that much time off, so we spend a lot of time planning which tarmac we want to spend our vacation on this year. I like O’Hare, but Sue... read more...
Why Anna Nicole’s daughter has my eyes
I expect I’ll be raked over the coals by the cable news networks as a sleazy, money-grubbing opportunist, but it doesn’t change the cold hard fact: I am the father of Anna Nic... read more...
Super bore commercials
The only thing more predictable than the pre-game hype over the Super Bowl is the post-game hype about which commercials worked and which didn’t. The winners of this year’s No... read more...
A wail on two cities
There was a charge for $29.32 from a company I didn’t recognize (FFCo) on my charge-card bill. What is FFCo? I called the billing department where a Roger Smith answered the p... read more...
Watch my purse while I’m in the men’s room
Last year, I watched the Counter Terrorism Unit’s agent extraordinaire, Jack Bauer, on the hit show “24” shoot, punch, ram, run, jump, tackle, hit, smash, tackle and, in every... read more...
Indigo child has me seeing red
There was a huge crash from the living room. A second later, New Hampshire skated through the kitchen on his Heelys screaming “Watch me! Watch me!” as he slammed into our refr... read more...
Life’s a gamble
I just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas. Everybody says one of two things. First, “You didn’t gamble, did you?” The second is, “You’re kidding, it’s sooo tacky.” Did... read more...
Dance, dance persecution
I cannot dance. No way, no how. You’ve heard of the tone deaf? I am dance deaf. It takes all my concentration to stand in one spot and sway to the music. I just have no feelin... read more...
Harry Potter and the Publicist’s Dream
The earth-shattering news flashed around the world last week – I’m sure you saw it. At last we know the title of the seventh, and last, Harry Potter book. I had guessed that i... read more...
America’s ... home videos
For 45 minutes, the camera never moved. I sat behind Video Mom in the community college field house as she held it on her child for the entire Christmas concert. The camera wa... read more...
The year in review, review
Soon, if they haven’t already, the networks will start blasting us with cheaply produced year-end specials (full of footage already bought and paid for) with titles like “Unfo... read more...
Jogging will kill you
When I mentioned to Harris that I usually end my workouts by spending 10 minutes in the health-club spa, he wrinkled up his nose and shuddered. “How can you climb into that d... read more...
Have yourself a special Christmas
‘Tis the season for Christmas television specials. What better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than by watching “A WWF Christmas Smackdown?” What could possibly s... read more...
Classless class photos
During a holiday get-together, my cousin Joe proudly pulled out a picture of his granddaughter from his wallet. It was T’fanny’s high school graduation photo. T’fanny and her ... read more...
Catch-and-release fleece
My brother-in-law, Dave, hunts pheasant and deer. A week before hunting season, a gigantic new store for outdoorsman opened, and Dave took me along for a quick shopping trip. ... read more...
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