Author Archive

Classless class photos

During a holiday get-together, my cousin Joe proudly pulled out a picture of his granddaughter from his wallet. It was T’fanny’s high school graduation photo. T’fanny and her ... read more...


Catch-and-release fleece

My brother-in-law, Dave, hunts pheasant and deer. A week before hunting season, a gigantic new store for outdoorsman opened, and Dave took me along for a quick shopping trip. ... read more...


Curbside Thanksgiving

You finally get some well-deserved time off and what happens? You spend most of it in an airport. What could be more relaxing? “Mister Dimwit, could you please report to the t... read more...


Brother, can you spare a couple million?

My friend Pat has been bending my ear for the last half hour on his daily struggle to make ends meet on a paltry $550,000 a year. “Call it inflation, call it what ever you wan... read more...


Something fishy's in your Net

My financial adviser says I should buy as many shares of eFISH as I can get my hands on. Today. Right now. Don't wait a minute. Its stock price could double by the time I get ... read more...


Beach and moan

“You’re not wearing that, are you?” Sue was looking at me as if I were wearing a large flounder on my head. “What?” I knew what she meant, but I wanted to hear her say it. “... read more...


Read it and weep

I just got a glossy magazine in the mail today, a magazine to which I do not subscribe. It’s full of expensive color photographs and interesting stories. Like “Why Bother to F... read more...


There’s no ‘i’ in ‘Pod People’

In the old ‘50s sci-fi movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” aliens replaced happy-go-lucky humans with their brain-dead, easy-to-control evil twins. The twins were grown in... read more...


Just what I always wanted

Sue and I have an anniversary coming up. I’m really not big on anniversaries. People make such a big deal out of them. “Ohhh, what are you going to get her this anniversary?... read more...


It’s better than stealing the towels

I bought an old photo album at a yard sale a few years ago hoping to discover something unusual mixed in with the standard black-and-white Brownie shots of men in out-of-date ... read more...


In one tin ear, out the other

We went to the symphony tonight. It was my own fault. It was my punishment for taking Sue to see “Talladega Nights,” the Will Ferrell comedy about NASCAR racing. For two endle... read more...


‘Living will’ crush your spirit

The nurse asked me if I had a living will. “Yes, I do.” “Did you bring it with you?” “No, I didn’t.” “Why not?” “Well, I’m only here to have my teeth cleaned. I didn’t re... read more...


First class or first grade?

These flat escalators at the airport are my favorite thing to play on. My sister Chrissy and me like to run in the wrong direction on them while big people try to get around u... read more...


What I did on their summer vacation

Our old friends Gary and Evelyn just had the most wonderful vacation of their lives. For three weeks they were waited on, fussed over, pampered and coddled. Every meal was a p... read more...


I brake for junk

Over the years, we’ve all collected stuff that we are ashamed to have in the house. Stuff that is too ugly to keep, too expensive to throw out – unfortunate Christmas presents... read more...



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