Author Archive

The year in review, review

Soon, if they haven’t already, the networks will start blasting us with cheaply produced year-end specials (full of footage already bought and paid for) with titles like “Unfo... read more...


Jogging will kill you

When I mentioned to Harris that I usually end my workouts by spending 10 minutes in the health-club spa, he wrinkled up his nose and shuddered. “How can you climb into that d... read more...


Have yourself a special Christmas

‘Tis the season for Christmas television specials. What better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than by watching “A WWF Christmas Smackdown?” What could possibly s... read more...


Classless class photos

During a holiday get-together, my cousin Joe proudly pulled out a picture of his granddaughter from his wallet. It was T’fanny’s high school graduation photo. T’fanny and her ... read more...


Catch-and-release fleece

My brother-in-law, Dave, hunts pheasant and deer. A week before hunting season, a gigantic new store for outdoorsman opened, and Dave took me along for a quick shopping trip. ... read more...


Curbside Thanksgiving

You finally get some well-deserved time off and what happens? You spend most of it in an airport. What could be more relaxing? “Mister Dimwit, could you please report to the t... read more...


Brother, can you spare a couple million?

My friend Pat has been bending my ear for the last half hour on his daily struggle to make ends meet on a paltry $550,000 a year. “Call it inflation, call it what ever you wan... read more...


Something fishy's in your Net

My financial adviser says I should buy as many shares of eFISH as I can get my hands on. Today. Right now. Don't wait a minute. Its stock price could double by the time I get ... read more...


Beach and moan

“You’re not wearing that, are you?” Sue was looking at me as if I were wearing a large flounder on my head. “What?” I knew what she meant, but I wanted to hear her say it. “... read more...


Read it and weep

I just got a glossy magazine in the mail today, a magazine to which I do not subscribe. It’s full of expensive color photographs and interesting stories. Like “Why Bother to F... read more...


There’s no ‘i’ in ‘Pod People’

In the old ‘50s sci-fi movie “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” aliens replaced happy-go-lucky humans with their brain-dead, easy-to-control evil twins. The twins were grown in... read more...


Just what I always wanted

Sue and I have an anniversary coming up. I’m really not big on anniversaries. People make such a big deal out of them. “Ohhh, what are you going to get her this anniversary?... read more...


It’s better than stealing the towels

I bought an old photo album at a yard sale a few years ago hoping to discover something unusual mixed in with the standard black-and-white Brownie shots of men in out-of-date ... read more...


In one tin ear, out the other

We went to the symphony tonight. It was my own fault. It was my punishment for taking Sue to see “Talladega Nights,” the Will Ferrell comedy about NASCAR racing. For two endle... read more...


‘Living will’ crush your spirit

The nurse asked me if I had a living will. “Yes, I do.” “Did you bring it with you?” “No, I didn’t.” “Why not?” “Well, I’m only here to have my teeth cleaned. I didn’t re... read more...



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